The Joke thread

[Svenok]

#2160
Not sure whether to thank you or spew.

I know one thing my guts is still churning.

[xnavyman]

If you are golfers but don't know who David Feherty is, think of any Irish Robin Williams, who was a professional golfer and is now a TV commentator for Golf Channel and has his own show. The stuff that just rolls off of his lips is so funny that for a few years they wouldn't even let him do the Masters coverage for fear he would offend the Masters Committee.

On a possible injury to Rory McElroy -- "Fortunately, Rory is only
22 years old, so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is busy attending the birth of his next wife."

On Jim Furyk's swing -- "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

On Luke Donald's recent success -- "He's a bloody walking ATM. I slid my Amex card between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -- "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That was a great shot -- if they'd put the pin there today."

"All you need for a happy life is good health and a bad memory."

Describing a player's tee shot -- "Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
Tommy Gainey's grip - "They look like two lobsters trying to mate."

[xnavyman]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The amazing thing is that it really does work, and will make you smile.


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the faces of Julia Gillard & Bob Brown, the two people you are holding underwater.


There!! See!! It really does work.

You're smiling already.

Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique!

I’M FEELING BETTER ALREADY.

[xnavyman]

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[xnavyman]

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

[LeroyPatrol]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

Leroy

[SS Dave]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

Leroy

Yep that sounds about right !!!

SS Dave

[weirdo]

Fabrizio




Rossi



Biaggi




Schettino

[weirdo]

The knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The
Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[xnavyman]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my fly and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....

…...which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before

[xnavyman]

Famous Opinions


"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 [Oddly enough it was IBM that also saw little use for what became the Xerox copy machine many decades later and refused to fund its development.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads .

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"

-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873
And last but not least....

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

[xnavyman]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives
Best call was from this guy who called his wife Harvey Norman ...
“No interest for 18 months”

[xnavyman]

The Pope is visiting DC and President Obama takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Obama waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Obama then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Obama Can't Swim."

[xnavyman]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

[xnavyman]

THE TOILET SEAT

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie returned home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency department.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this!)

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them; I just never saw one mounted and framed before!"

[xnavyman]

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills.

Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day.

If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

[xnavyman]

I know, you are probably sick of me posting funnies lately but I have been inundated with them. If nothing else it will make you laugh & feel betterer.

WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch
And moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable'..
At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together.
In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders.
SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown,
Just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused the Formula
One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
Government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us live there
And the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland ............While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland- it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra . The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race
And still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count,
Like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

[Svenok]

I know, you are probably sick of me posting funnies lately.

Keep em coming.

[Fernbay]

[enf]

AUSTECH GIVEAWAY

I have four free tickets left for the upcoming Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) spectacular. He's arriving in two weeks for a world record try at Lakemba mosque.

Apparently he's going to attempt to jump a record line of 250 muslims with a Caterpillar D9.