The Joke thread

[hughdman]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the #### was that? Stop the car, son."

[xnavyman]

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


That's bloody scary...it means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!

[SS Dave]

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


That's bloody scary...it means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!

i would vote yes but i would be dead (ps i love it)

SS Dave

[xnavyman]

Tools Explained:




DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B!*CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!*CH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

[cmangle]

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem,
he has a fatal heart attack.The undertakers tells the US diplomats:
"You can have him shipped home for $10 million or you can bury him
here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and
tell him they still want Obama flown back home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $10 million
to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this
religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a Man died here, was
buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply
can't take that risk".

[anyone]

one priest said to the other,,,,,



I will swap you two 5's for a 10

[xnavyman]

[xnavyman]

Hard to argue with this logic...

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them, than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong:

A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby".

No matter how long after a guy gets kicked in the nuts, you'll never hear him say, "I would like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

[tony]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?


5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

[enf]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative."

A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."

[SS Dave]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?


5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

Some Dad's and Mum's as well.

SS Dave

[mango]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter and was smiling ear to ear.

When all eyes turned and stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist". That's when the proctologist fainted.

[mango]

Honeymoon sex: This is where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex: This is where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.

Oral sex: This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell "#### YOU."

[mango]

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

[xnavyman]

Games For When We Are Older

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, Nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Who.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Forget Why You're There.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to the Mall.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom

[enf]

Q: How do you castrate a Collingwood supporter?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

---------------------

Q: Whats the difference between a male Collingwood supporter and a female Collingwood supporter?

A: A female Collingwood supporter has a higher sperm count.

[mango]

A Mexican family was considering putting their
grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full
so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility,
they came to visit grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson..
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,'says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here --
he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years
and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.
He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.
He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years
and they still call me "The F ucking Mexican".

[hughdman]

I couldn't believe that Davey Jones from the Monkees died yesterday.

But then I saw his face.... now I'm a bereaver.

[cwispy]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to Labour is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth

"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a
boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.The lead
man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "thats really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy

"Oh, I`m sorry,"
The midwife repeats, "thats really none of my business either and I
hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the bottom. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.

"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[Godzilla]

Q: Whats the difference between a male Collingwood supporter and a female Collingwood supporter?

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a Pit bull?

A. Lipstick

Q. What do Collingwood Fans use for birth control ?

A. Their personalities.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."