The Joke thread

[xnavyman]

David Letterman may not get any flack from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flack' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at
the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.


AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.,

[Fernbay]

[mborkp]

This bloke tought he's got the best tatoo in the world...



... before he went to jail...

[xnavyman]

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found Colin standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said Colin. "I just came in my pants!"

[xnavyman]

A glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of Shit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

[hughdman]

How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put it in a microwave and wait until its Bill Withers!

[mborkp]

Got nothing against the Irish, just found this in my email today... does not take long

"Irish divers were absolutely amazed when they dived down to the wreck of the Titanic to find that after over one hundred years the swimming pool was still full"

[mango]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them chirped “It’s WALES you friggin' idiot!”

So I immediately apologised and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

[xnavyman]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read...

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."

[mango]

The Country was in a terrible state,
As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.
It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,
Then she said, 'Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,
Whether your short, skinny or thick.
A tax will be paid on the use of your prick'.
Penny Wong rose and said 'Julia look here,
Will this tax apply to those who are queer?'

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,
'May I be exempt, I only like bum.'
Julia replied and sounded quite airy
'You'll pay double you dirty old fairy'
Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause
Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers
He straddled across her and screwed her at will
Then shouted to Gillard, 'Put that on the Bill'!

Wayne Swan shouted, 'I think I'll resign,
I haven't had sex for a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,
But two bucks a go .. that's too bloody much.'
The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,
Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,
'With a tax on a poke in the front and the back
All we can do is have a good whack.'

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,
And stuck his big prick into Bob Katter's ear.
The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went
Rudd took his out and found it was bent.
'Look here', he cried as it swung in the air,
'For those who are bent a discount is fair.'
So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,
And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.

So now in the beds of Australia at night,
There's many a fanny that's closed up real tight.
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.
If two bucks a head is the price we must pay
It now with ourselves we find we must play
To quench our frustrations we must have a wank
And for the state of our Country - we've Gillard to thank!

[mango]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help
to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless British generosity.

[tony]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and women with big tits."

[Hound-Dog]

I feel sorry for the hypnotist who had 7 guys under when he dropped his microphone on his foot and yelled " #### Me!!!!!"

[xnavyman]

GOOD ONE!!!

Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days...

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[enf]

My wife and I were pretty spent when we got home. She fell asleep on the couch. I decided that I'd make light of the situation and used her lipstick to write "Worlds Worst Mum" on her forehead.

When she looked in the mirror the next day she went ballistic.

I guess joking about her miscarriage wasn't a good idea...

[enf]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into an expensive restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[enf]

I was wondering why they always put Barack Obama behind bullet proof glass.

I mean I know he's black, but surely he won't shoot anyone....

[cmangle]

The Frog and the Golfer

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?"

The man asks.
"'Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas"

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now What?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks,"What do you think I should Bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, " Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[hughdman]

Well, I'm glad someone has finally brought up this Kony business... Him and his brother Hamsung have been getting away with selling knock-off TVs for years now...

[Al Bundy]

Anybody for a Barbie-Queue