The Joke thread

[mickstv]

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me."

[xnavyman]

The Yanks do have a sense of humour!!!

[xnavyman]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standar three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[bambbbam]

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was :

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8.In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[mickstv]

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.

"Is that painful?" the barman asks.

"It's driving me nuts!" the man replies.

[mickstv]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives
him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is
a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick
and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The landlord
says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw."

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he
asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone
already."

[mickstv]

A woman asks her husband if she can spend some of their savings on a breast enlargement.

He says "Have you tried rubbing tissue-paper between them every day?"

She says "Do you think that will do any good?"

He says "Well it worked on your arse!"

[sublib25]

I just shared the most intense earth moving orgasm with my wife,
the ungratefull bitch just spat it back at me.

[Fernbay]

.

[mickstv]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to
the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care
of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to
take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him
out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob
then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with it?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I
ain't touching it."

[Arbiter]

I know what's wrong with it - it's still got my ex-wife attached to it !

[mickstv]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[Fernbay]

You have just witnessed a miracle!

[Fernbay]

[img]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S_KEVibK_AI/AAAAAAABQrw/QBgtSaJt6v8/s400/Bill_Gates_and_Steve_Jobs_humor_07.jpg
[/img]

[Fernbay]

[Fernbay]

[xnavyman]

A notable gynaecologist once said,


"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so bloody temperamental."

[bambbbam]

[mickstv]

check this one out Poms make the Irish look good



[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wh_bifwDoQ]YouTube - Trailer stuck[/ame]

[problem child]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle
backwards, gets in the car and f**ks off.