The Joke thread

[mickstv]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPlqhw8AoQI&feature=related]YouTube - Blonde Girl Pregnancy Test - Funny Ad[/ame]





[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSvFIo4aBcA&feature=related"]YouTube - funny Blondestar car insurance joke[/ame]

[tagg]

the blondestar operator sounds like Dr. Phil ??

Tagg

[enf]

Three pregnant women were knitting sweaters for their soon-to-arrive
babies, and chatting.

The brunette said to the others, "I'm taking folic acid, so my baby
will be healthy and have a robust immune system."

The red head said, "Oh, I'm taking lots of calcium so my baby will be
strong and grow tall."

The blonde said, "I'm taking Thalidomide."

The others reacted, of course, with horror. "Thalidomide! Why would
you take that?"

"Because I don't know how to knit sleeves."

[zzzzz]

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of .......


'ASYLUM'
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
Hop on a boat
And win
A FREE HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The Australian Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buy a ticket to Indonesia
And catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once you
enter Australian waters and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia’s gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia .
Our most popular destinations also include the Baxter’s Reef and the world famous Christmas Island Resort.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever .
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovo drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...
COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the Indonesia fishing ports
Don't stop in Thailand or Bali
Go straight to Australia
And you are:
GUARANTEED
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'

[xnavyman]

Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car. They see the driver screaming in pain and shout "Calm down sir, at least you haven't been flung out thru the windscreen like your girlfriend" The driver screams back "Have you seen what's in her mouth?"
--
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened!?" The pilot's reply "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
--
I spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know... she thinks I'm digging a pond.
--
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane... He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore between her legs with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awww shit!" he murmurs, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?" Phoebe says, "A perm?"
--
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the arse why don't you?" This, Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began..."

[mickstv]

Uploaded with

[mickstv]

Bloke says to a chick in the pub "Jeez I'd give you one !"

She replys "you filthy pig I wouldn't have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth !"

He says "Wooah steady on ya fat Pig, I was just giving you a score out of 10 !"



.

[mango]

Boy! Ain't this the truth!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: ??- No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hot dogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your arse with your hand?- You cook over burning camel shit?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? No shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

[Reschs]

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful but aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks 'Uhoh, I'm in deep doo doo now!'


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts . Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Reschs]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[xnavyman]

Explanation of Tools.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[bambbbam]

How to talk like Michael Caine:

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFIQIpC5_wY]YouTube - This Is How Michael Caine Speaks - The Trip - BBC Two[/ame]

[Svenok]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!

[MrRadio]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter during a flood rescue.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall to the rageing water below.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping

[xnavyman]

A guy meets a fat girl at a disco.
He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat.
He’s not too sure ‘cause she is a bit on the large side but he thinks what the hell.
Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business.
He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.
She gets all uptight.
‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to screw me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.

‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse’

[Arbiter]

If women are so bloody good at multi-tasking....why can't they fvck when they've got a headache?

[enf]

If women are so bloody good at multi-tasking....why can't they fvck when they've got a headache?

The solution to this vexing question is contained in post 1470 on this very page....

Cheers
enf

[xnavyman]

I was crossing a street in town the other day when a speeding truck ploughed into a bunch of camel jockeys behind me.

I thought: "Shit! That could have been me! I can drive a truck!"

[enf]

My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I replied "Yeah, sometimes. Accidentally!"

She said "Thats disgusting! And what do you mean by accidentally?"

I said "It just happens sometimes when you're having a sh*t!"

Cheers
enf

[Svenok]

Whats 6" long and drives women crazy?


Bank notes!