The Joke thread

[MrElectricity]

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[MrElectricity]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager!" I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?" "Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow, my fault."

[MrElectricity]

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is true.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.


Postulate 2: Time is money.
Now, as every Engineer knows,

Work
-------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
-------- = Knowledge
Money


Solving for Money, we get:

Work
------------ = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

[MrElectricity]

(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES)
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Motorola that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

[MrElectricity]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

a "Don't remind me again" button
a Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bug Warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support Suggestions
These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

[macca]

ROFLMAO classic, thanks MrE

[z80]

How to pick up chicks with a killer one liner.....


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

[xnavyman]

Z80, ya must have got them from a real red neck site. Sure are funny.

[z80]

Originally Posted by xnavyman

Z80, ya must have got them from a real red neck site. Sure are funny.

redneck? whaddya mean?


was just me and the boy chattin' while working on the car last saturday afternoon....


z80 and son.....


.

[MrElectricity]

3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in

[MrElectricity]

Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.

He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.
Paddy thinks to himself 'God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw'. He buys the jigsaw.

When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.

'Hello Patrick?'

'Hello Paddy!'

'Patrick I've got a bit of a problem. I've bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.

'Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?'

'Yes,yes I've tried that andthey still all look the same.'

'OK I'll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what's on the front of the box?'

'Oh, some sort of cockerel.'

When Patrick arrives at Paddy's, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.

'You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.'

And Patrick says...

'Paddy,that's a box of corn flakes!!!'

[MrElectricity]

there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

[MrElectricity]

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

[MrElectricity]

1 Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3 I would not allow this associate to breed.
4 Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6 He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8 She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9 This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10 This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

[MrElectricity]

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[MrElectricity]

Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.

'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.

'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'

[enf]

Ten Signs that you might be in the Taliban...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.



9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.



8. You have more wives than teeth.



7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.



6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.



5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.



4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"



3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.



2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."



And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:



1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

Cheers
enf

[z80]

Which Government department designed a woman's body?


A: Melbourne Water.

(Who else would put a playground right next to a sewer?)

[cmangle]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading upwards of 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you Are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you As a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn The hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't Wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but
Not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed Limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your Stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator Music.

14. Your eyes won't get much Worse.

15. Your investment in health Insurance is finally beginning To pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with Your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is Finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who Sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you Can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
On the same night.

[hazman]

A mate of mine got a dog named Blacksmith if chastise him he will make a spring for your nuts.