Scientists say that sniffing rosemary can increase your memory by 75%...
When I tried it she slapped me and called me a creep...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Man goes to Doctor with a hearing problem, Doc says "Can you describe the symptons?"
Man says "Homer is a fat fecker and Marge has blue hair"
Quasimodo goes home to find his wife holding a Wok.
"Great" say's Quasi " Are we having Chinese?"
"No" replies his wife " I am going to iron your shirt"
Two cows in a field, one said to the other "What do you think about this Mad Cow disease, then?". The other one replied "It doesn't affect me, I'm a penguin".
Last edited by hazman; 03-02-16 at 11:01 AM. Reason: add more
Previously Unreleased Pictures From Mars
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage.
Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be able to separate."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Jimbo went to a Wickham Terrace Specialist in Brisbane, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.
Now Jimbo knows full well that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender,
and of course he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Secretary for further details..
She retrieved the file and read to Jimbo: "This position entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist.
You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down...and carefully washing their private parts,
applying shaving foam to the said parts and removing all unwanted foliage......
finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination...
Then she told Jimbo:" the annual salary is $65,000 and if you're interested you will have to go to Gympie."
"My goodness!..exclaimed Jimbo I'm very experienced in all facets of that work description and in fact in some areas I could be considered overtrained...
"So is Gympie where the job is?" asked Jimbo somewhat excitedly...
The Secretary answered, " No, that's where the end of the queue is sir.........."........
Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.
I thought, "Aren't they what Death sits on?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I wonder what was in the last oil change.......
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Two termites walk into a bar, one says to the other "is the bar tender here?"
Two fish are swimming along and slam into a wall, one turns to the other and says Dam!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'White-Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.........
A TRUE STORY?
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin,the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue, nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...
I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came four hours later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
GOD BLESSES THE IRISH!
North Korea has fired a long range rocket, ignoring warnings.
Particularly: "Do Not Mix Mentos With Diet Coke."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
American Scientists are predicting record breaking temperatures in the northern parts of the Korean peninsular this summer with one boffin predicting that Pyongyang could briefly see the mercury rise to as much as 150 million degrees Fahrenheit.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
It's nearly footy season again, and Collingwood fans have quite rightly protested against the rise in ticket prices.
It's asking far too much to expect anyone to be able to steal that amount of money on a regular basis.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Harley Biker!!!
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly,
the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and
acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!!!
...... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have news that's both good and bad. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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