Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #4501
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Scientists say that sniffing rosemary can increase your memory by 75%...

    When I tried it she slapped me and called me a creep...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (03-02-16),Godzilla (03-02-16),gulliver (04-02-16),hazman (03-02-16),lsemmens (03-02-16),mtv (04-02-16),OSIRUS (08-02-16),SS Dave (03-02-16),Tom Tit Tot (04-02-16)



  • #4502
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    Man goes to Doctor with a hearing problem, Doc says "Can you describe the symptons?"

    Man says "Homer is a fat fecker and Marge has blue hair"

    Quasimodo goes home to find his wife holding a Wok.
    "Great" say's Quasi " Are we having Chinese?"
    "No" replies his wife " I am going to iron your shirt"

    Two cows in a field, one said to the other "What do you think about this Mad Cow disease, then?". The other one replied "It doesn't affect me, I'm a penguin".
    Last edited by hazman; 03-02-16 at 11:01 AM. Reason: add more

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (03-02-16),fred49au (04-02-16),Godzilla (03-02-16),gulliver (04-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),mi_tasol (03-02-16),mtv (04-02-16),Tom Tit Tot (04-02-16)

  • #4503
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Previously Unreleased Pictures From Mars











    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (04-02-16),fred49au (05-02-16),Godzilla (06-02-16),gulliver (05-02-16),lsemmens (04-02-16),mi_tasol (04-02-16),mtv (04-02-16),Tiny (05-02-16),Tom Tit Tot (04-02-16)

  • #4504
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation.
    She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
    As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage.
    Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice.
    After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be able to separate."
    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.
    "Just worked for me," he replied.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (05-02-16),fred49au (06-02-16),Godzilla (06-02-16),gulliver (05-02-16),lsemmens (06-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4505
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    Jimbo went to a Wickham Terrace Specialist in Brisbane, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.

    Now Jimbo knows full well that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender,

    and of course he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Secretary for further details..

    She retrieved the file and read to Jimbo: "This position entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist.

    You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down...and carefully washing their private parts,

    applying shaving foam to the said parts and removing all unwanted foliage......

    finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination...



    Then she told Jimbo:" the annual salary is $65,000 and if you're interested you will have to go to Gympie."



    "My goodness!..exclaimed Jimbo I'm very experienced in all facets of that work description and in fact in some areas I could be considered overtrained...

    "So is Gympie where the job is?" asked Jimbo somewhat excitedly...

    The Secretary answered, " No, that's where the end of the queue is sir.........."........

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (05-02-16),fred49au (06-02-16),Godzilla (06-02-16),gulliver (05-02-16),lsemmens (06-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4506
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.

    I thought, "Aren't they what Death sits on?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    Bibliophile (09-02-16),fred49au (07-02-16),hazman (06-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),lsemmens (06-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4507
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • #4508
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I wonder what was in the last oil change.......
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    dashinson (06-02-16),enf (06-02-16),fred49au (07-02-16),hazman (06-02-16),SS Dave (06-02-16),Tiny (07-02-16)

  • #4509
    Member

    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Posts
    358
    Thanks
    549
    Thanked 634 Times in 172 Posts
    Rep Power
    367
    Reputation
    12721

    Default

    Two termites walk into a bar, one says to the other "is the bar tender here?"

    Two fish are swimming along and slam into a wall, one turns to the other and says Dam!

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to mi_tasol For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (07-02-16),enf (07-02-16),fred49au (08-02-16),hazman (08-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),OSIRUS (08-02-16)

  • #4510
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mi_tasol View Post
    Two termites walk into a bar, one says to the other "is the bar tender here?"

    Two fish are swimming along and slam into a wall, one turns to the other and says Dam!
    GROAN.......we need to be more controversial in here......jeez...

    I have a black pepper grinder. It's a bit extravagant I know, but he'd probably be out mugging people if I didn't keep him busy.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (08-02-16),Godzilla (08-02-16),hazman (07-02-16),mandc (07-02-16),mi_tasol (07-02-16),mtv (29-02-16),SS Dave (08-02-16)

  • #4511
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default

    What is Celibacy?

    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

    While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to
    the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
    things that are important to each other.."

    He then addressed the men,

    'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

    I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

    'White-Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?'

    And thus began my life of celibacy.........

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    enf (08-02-16),fred49au (08-02-16),Godzilla (08-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),hazman (08-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),jok11n (07-02-16),lsemmens (08-02-16),mi_tasol (07-02-16),SpankedHam (08-02-16),SS Dave (08-02-16)

  • #4512
    Premium Member
    fred49au's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    75
    Posts
    586
    Thanks
    5,783
    Thanked 3,272 Times in 524 Posts
    Rep Power
    1357
    Reputation
    57071

    Default

    A TRUE STORY?

    Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin,the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue, nervously made the following painful announcement..:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...

    I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

    Her next announcement came four hours later...

    "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

    GOD BLESSES THE IRISH!

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to fred49au For This Useful Post:

    enf (08-02-16),Godzilla (08-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),hazman (08-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),lsemmens (08-02-16),mi_tasol (08-02-16),mtv (29-02-16),SS Dave (08-02-16),Tiny (09-02-16)

  • #4513
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    North Korea has fired a long range rocket, ignoring warnings.

    Particularly: "Do Not Mix Mentos With Diet Coke."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    American Scientists are predicting record breaking temperatures in the northern parts of the Korean peninsular this summer with one boffin predicting that Pyongyang could briefly see the mercury rise to as much as 150 million degrees Fahrenheit.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (08-02-16),fred49au (09-02-16),Godzilla (08-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),hazman (09-02-16),lsemmens (08-02-16),mtv (29-02-16),Tiny (09-02-16)

  • #4514
    Member

    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Posts
    358
    Thanks
    549
    Thanked 634 Times in 172 Posts
    Rep Power
    367
    Reputation
    12721

    Default

    So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
    "Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
    "Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
    "No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
    Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
    Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
    "What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
    "It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to mi_tasol For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (09-02-16),enf (09-02-16),fred49au (09-02-16),Godzilla (09-02-16),hazman (10-02-16),mtv (29-02-16),Tiny (09-02-16)

  • #4515
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (09-02-16),fred49au (11-02-16),Godzilla (09-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),lsemmens (09-02-16),mi_tasol (09-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4516
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (09-02-16),fred49au (11-02-16),Godzilla (09-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),mi_tasol (09-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4517
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (10-02-16),fred49au (11-02-16),Godzilla (09-02-16),gulliver (09-02-16),lsemmens (09-02-16),mi_tasol (09-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4518
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    It's nearly footy season again, and Collingwood fans have quite rightly protested against the rise in ticket prices.

    It's asking far too much to expect anyone to be able to steal that amount of money on a regular basis.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (11-02-16),Godzilla (10-02-16),gulliver (10-02-16),hazman (10-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4519
    Premium Member
    fred49au's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    75
    Posts
    586
    Thanks
    5,783
    Thanked 3,272 Times in 524 Posts
    Rep Power
    1357
    Reputation
    57071

    Default

    Harley Biker!!!


    A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly,
    the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
    screaming parents.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified
    parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

    The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do
    in my whole life.'

    The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and
    acted as I felt right.'

    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will
    have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

    The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican."

    The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!!!


    ...... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to fred49au For This Useful Post:

    enf (11-02-16),Godzilla (11-02-16),gulliver (12-02-16),hazman (11-02-16),irritant (10-08-16),lsemmens (11-02-16),mtv (29-02-16)

  • #4520
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
    The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have news that's both good and bad. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

    Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

    The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (11-02-16),fred49au (12-02-16),Godzilla (11-02-16),hazman (12-02-16),mtv (29-02-16),Rick (12-02-16)

  • Page 226 of 635 FirstFirst ... 126176216217218219220221222223224225226227228229230231232233234235236276326 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •