Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Default Losing My Virginity

    I can't believe it, at the age of 30, I finally lost my virginity!

    I've tried everything over the years to get laid.

    But, ironically, it was rather anti-climactic to be honest.

    Sex really isn't all it's "cracked up" to be - and it's taken me a whole week before I could sit down again.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    "I love you lots, snuggles." The wife announced earlier.

    "And I love you tons." I replied.

    "Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"

    Sigh! Sometimes I swear the fat bitch is going deaf.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two Indonesian men have been caught having gay sex by vigilantes.

    They have been sentenced to public spanking.

    Their plan is to get caught again on Friday and Saturday, and again next Monday and Wednesday.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default What do you guys reckon?

    My wife told me the other day "Honey, you are what you eat."

    Is that her subtle way of telling me I'm a c*nt?

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    The wife complained that I never see things from her point of view.

    So I looked out the kitchen window.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships...

    Apparently "in HD" was an inappropriate answer to give.

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    Default German measles

    Years ago during WWII, Colonel Reichman was having sex with a local German woman. When they were done, and knowing how virile he was, he said to her proudly: "In 9 month's time you vill have a baby. You may name it after me if you vish."

    To which the woman answers: "In 9 day's time you vill come out vit ze rash, you may call it f*cking measles if you vish!"

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    Durex have made a new condom with anaesthetic on the inside so you can last longer.

    I like to wear it inside out so I don't wake my victims up.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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    Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
    His wife was standing there watching him.
    After a long period of silence she finally speaks
    . "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
    "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
    "I wasn't."

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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    When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

    Sexist morons!. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing is it?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Inside my drawer at home I keep a little mirror, along with my wallet and car keys etc.

    My wife has started scratching in my drawer recently to get to my wallet, naturally. Yesterday, though, she totally lost her rag and came storming into the living room, after finding my little mirror.

    "You bastard!" she shouted. "I knew it all along!" "Knew what?" I asked flabbergasted. "Don't act stupid with me. Here! Here is a picture of the bitch in your drawer." she snapped. "And, what's more, I can't believe that you would prefer to shag such an ugly bitch instead of me!"
    Last edited by irritant; 27-05-17 at 11:27 PM.

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    Default

    The wife shouted at me the other day: "We never talk, we live like strangers in the same house. All you do is watch your stupid rugby on TV and drink your damn beer! You show absolutely zero interest in me!"

    I said: "That's not true honey, I know you well, I love you!" Rather unexpectedly (and regrettably for me), she said: "OK then, smartarse, how about a little test? What's my favourite flower?"

    I really tried hard. I sat. I thought as much as I could. After a few more seconds, and with her standing hands on hips, and with her eyebrows raised, I muttered "Gold Medal Self-Rising flour, isn't it?"

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    I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out it's illegal to leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them.

    The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

    The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    I've been married for over 30 years now and the other night the wife asked quite innocently "How would you describe me"?

    I looked at her for a while and then said,
    "Your A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K"

    She then asked "What do you mean"

    and I said,
    "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot"

    She smiled happily and said, "Oh darling, Thats so loverly..... What about I, J, K?"

    So I said, "I'm just kidding"

    The swelling on my eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels.
    In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
    The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

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