Hear about the guy who swallowed a yo-yo?
He had the same crap over six times.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's." ''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered " Get in Line"
I came home drunk one night, and needless to say the wife was furious.
"Where the hell have you been?" she shouted. "I was getting a tattoo of a $100 bill on my penis." I said.
"What?" she asked perplexed. "Why? You are a chartered accountant. Why would a chartered accountant get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his cock?"
To which I answered "Well, firstly my dear, I like to watch my money grow. I also like to play with my money every now and then. Furthermore, I love the feeling of holding money in my hand."
"And" I added, "There's another upside to this."
"Oh yeah, what's that?" she asks.
"Every time you feel like blowing a hundred bucks, you don't have to go all the way to the shops, you can stay right here!"
"Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you detest her so much?" asked my work colleague
"In case I'm tempted to take a day off."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A soft hearted man who always listen to his wife was playing with marble balls one day. His wife came to him and yelled at him because she was cleaning the dishes and he was only playing.
After finishing all her chores she came to bed with him. The wife was little embarrassed to ask him for some romance and the man was still in fear after all those yelling.
Finally the wife broke the silence and asked him "Do you wish to do something? Do your mind want something?
The man said "Yes". And then the wife said with a smile on her face "You can do it.
Then the man got off the bed and started to play with marble balls again.
Trampoline (n): Lubricant for street bums.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
And, the favourite beer of homeless people is called Tennents.Originally Posted by enf
Last edited by irritant; 01-06-17 at 10:18 PM.
Have you noticed...the word "strap on" in reverse is "no parts"?
I said to my new girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
Aaaah, what a fun evening that was...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Standing at the podium, he opened the envelope..
"And the car of the year for 2017 as voted by the readers of Womens Weekly is.....?
"A blue one!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work. After a while one guy says to the other, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even."
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
ALTAR BOYS
"IF THEY COULD GET PREGNANT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WOULD BE PRO-CONTRACEPTION"
Last edited by cmangle; 05-06-17 at 01:29 PM.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
*Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that.
♦I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
*Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
♦I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor ."
♦My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
♦Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's on your birthday, your life sucks!
♦The pharmacist asked me for my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
If you live with Yesterday'sregret, worriesof Tomorrow, You never can be Thankfulfor Today! Live each day to thefullest!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
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