Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Manuel: "Where you been, Jose? I haven't seen you around."
Jose: "I got arrested for lying on the beach."
Manuel: "You can't get arrested for lying on the beach."
Jose: "You can when the beach is kicking and screaming."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
.
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TWIN SISTERS CELEBRATE
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? -- CAN I BE FIRST???"
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
My girlfriend is a real screamer, if you know what I mean.
You should hear her...
Especially when she walks in on me and the woman from next door.
Last edited by irritant; 11-07-17 at 06:01 AM.
Newly released statistics suggest in this day and age that you are more likely to get cancer than to get married.
Proof that God is more merciful than we give him credit for!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back
A wise man once said “You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag.
Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago.
Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month.
I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first.
Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?"
To which I replied, "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up."
Last edited by irritant; 12-07-17 at 08:18 PM.
A female friend remarked . . .
> Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old!,
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1957. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked me, "What did you teach?" <
Last edited by cmangle; 14-07-17 at 11:44 AM.
A husband is walking behind his wife in the street and he remarks that her ass is getting so big and shaking so much that it looks like an old washing machine.
She has no come back to that, so they go home and the day goes past. Come bedtime, the husband gets a little randy and naturally wants some of that ass.
At that point the wife turns to him and says "Nah, I'm not starting this big old washing machine for such a small load, you'll have to do it by hand."
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