The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says, “What can I get you?”
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I’m afraid we don’t.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
“What the heck do YOU want?”
Umm. Do you have any nails?
What!? Of course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.
“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”
Reef knot, Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I can't do any of them. But my headphones sure f*cking can.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
The day before Easter, an old man in Norway calls his son in Australia and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, “Dad, what are you talking about?”
The father replies, “It’s just that we can’t stand the sight of each other any more. And I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Japan and tell her?”
The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who’s equally distraught and exclaims, “Like heck they’re getting divorced! Leave it to me, I’ll take care of this.”
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, “You are not getting divorced! Don’t you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me Dad?”
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, “Okay honey, they’re both coming for Easter and paying their own flight ticket.”
The guy from across the road was looking distraught, so I asked him what was up.
He said, “My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,”.
I asked, “What? That fat ugly thing I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up a bit.
I said, “Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm honestly convinced some women do not EVER fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as f*cking drama.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I know it's summertime in Oz, but right now on the East Coast of the US . . .
A man walks into a pub, and on the doorstep, there is a nun.
As he enters, she says, "Alcohol is the work of the devil!"
The man is quite surprised, so asked the nun what bad experiences she's ever had whilst drinking. The nun says, "Not one drop of alcohol has ever passed these lips"
The man is confused, "How can you be so critical of something you've never tried?" he asks, "Let me buy you a drink, before you unfairly criticise it"
The nun, reluctantly, says, "Very well then, but what do ladies usually drink?" "Gin" the man replies. The nun says, "Ok, a gin, but ask for it in a cup, just in case anyone sees me and gets suspicious"
The man agrees, and walks into the bar, "A pint of beer, and a double gin in a cup".
The landlord says, "Ah crap, it's that drunk nun again!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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