Is that Barnaby Joyce?Originally Posted by hazman
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
The wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other is holding the Star of David.
Many people walk by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
After a while, the Pope comes by. He stops and watches the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the
Cross, while none are giving to the beggar with the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says. "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you; especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross! In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listens to the Pope, smiles and turning to the beggar with the Cross, says.
"Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Young people...
You choose to rent your shows/films from Netflix, Amazon or Sky
You choose to rent your music from Spotify
You choose to rent your phones by contract
You choose to rent your cars by contract
You choose to rent your student flat
You choose to borrow money for uni
And what do you complain about? Not owning a house.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
Women are always bragging about being able to multi-task.
FFS....it's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What do you call a female police officer with short pubes?
C*ntstubble.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
20 years married Katherine and William go to the clinic for control.
After the checkup, the doctor called Katherine into his office alone. He said, “William is suffering from a very heavy stress disorder. If you don’t do the following duties,unfortunately,he will die.”
“Every morning, prepare healthy breakfast for him. Spend good time together. For lunch cook nutritious food for him. You must do housework without his help.Don’t discuss any problems with him, it will only make his stress more bad. No nagging. And most important you have to make love a few times a week with your husband. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, William asked to his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”
He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.
Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”
Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”
Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar for every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
The bastards currently half empty.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
We used to use the "Hey baby, I'm the telephone man, can I put my plug in your socket to see if you work." very similar.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
gulliver (19-02-18)
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
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