Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #6861
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    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    “Who was that?” asked his wife.
    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
    “Did you help him?” she asks.
    “No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s well pouring with rain out there!”
    “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
    “God loves drunk people too you know.”
    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
    He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
    “Yes,” comes back the answer.
    “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
    “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
    “Where are you?” asks the husband.
    “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

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  • #6862
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    A Welsh farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    “Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.

    “No, they went to town.”

    “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

    “No, he went with Mum and Dad.”

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

    “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.

    “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.

    The boy thought for a moment…

    “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Value of a Good Vocabulary

    I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.
    He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

    I was impressed.

    Upon further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

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    John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

    David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.

    The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

    David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

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    ..... after more than thirty years of silence......



    She says not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty old bastard even



    went on to sing about it!

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    I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me.

    F*cking psycho path.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money.

    She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

    The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America.

    “He’s a very busy man.”

    “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

    The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said,

    “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

    When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

    She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

    “How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

    “$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

    The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,

    “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”

    The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”

    Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets?

    What kind of bets?”

    The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

    “What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

    “Yes, you heard me.

    In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

    The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one.

    “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

    The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”

    “Sure!” replied the confident president.

    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

    The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.

    She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

    The president complied.

    The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

    “Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.”

    He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

    As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

    The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

    The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”

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    Not really funny, But never turn your back on a lion.


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    The vagina is the best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger, it's self-lubricating and it accepts any size piston. It even changes its own oil every four weeks.

    It's just a shame that the management system is so f*cking temperamental...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

    Her new album 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375 is due out soon.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Walked past a mosque this morning and I saw a spray painted message on it that said "YOUR ALL F*CKING SCUM"

    I thought, "What bog ignorant, uneducated idiot wrote that!.............it's you're..YOU'RE"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

    Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

    A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”

    His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”

    “Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    Walked past a mosque this morning and I saw a spray painted message on it that said "YOUR ALL F*CKING SCUM"

    I thought, "What bog ignorant, uneducated idiot wrote that!.............it's you're..YOU'RE"
    Romans Go Home

    Cheers
    Ted (Al)

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