A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I staggered out the pub and got into my car.
Looking at myself in the rear view mirror, I thought, "You're way to pissed to drive."
Then I thought, "F*ck that, I'm not taking advice from a drunk."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My muslim neighbour is an arsehole and we dislike each other intensely. One day, one of my chickens laid an egg in his garden.
When I asked if he would give me the egg, he said, "Under Islamic law, the egg belongs to the owner of the garden in which it was laid".
I pointed out that we were in fact in England and that under UK law the egg belongs to the chicken and thus the owner of aforesaid chicken.
"Let's settle it like men", he said.
I said "OK, I give you a kick in the nuts, then you give me a kick in the nutss. The one who writhes in pain for the longest period of time loses the egg".
We agreed on that and I told him that the home player got the kick off.. I then gave him a huge kick in the nuts, upon which he fell to the ground writhing in pain. After almost three minutes on the ground, he got to his feet with a smile on his face.
"What's so f*cking funny", I asked.
"It's my turn now", he replied.
I smiled back "Naaah, you keep the egg."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A guy comes into Royal Prince Alfred with a Sunbeam steam and dry iron stuck in his arse.
Doctor "Jeez, I thought I'd seen everything. What the hell happened?"
"Dunno really, but it started right after the wife opened her birthday present."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An old one from the days of Usenet...
"My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of our bondage in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the $&%@*! board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.
"Is this where you work?" she asked.
"At the moment," I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.
"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!?" I yelled in a hushed voice.
"HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye."
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had **no** idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the afore-mentioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the #%^*@! board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally, he spoke.
"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs” … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
Confucius say... old Chinese proverb:
Woman like vacuum cleaner....
When sucking stop... time to change bag.
Remember to cancel your credit cards before dying.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'
ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.’
ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney, Plot Number 1049.'
ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the #*+##* do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it
monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favourite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help
me, please!!!
Regards,
HORIZON
Dear Horizon,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be
able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would
cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
"Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Failures (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take
the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a support
application with Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system, especially for
those of you who have not completely uninstalled Girlfriend 7.0 from their system.
Best of luck
enf (26-01-18)
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
'I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!'
'Ah well, these things happen sometimes,' the boss says. 'Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else
hits it in the dark.'
'But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking
and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!'
'Never mind,' says the boss. 'There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag
the carcass off the road and come on home.' 'Okay, boss.'
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB.
'What's the problem, son?' 'Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck.'
'What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?'
'Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck.'
Last edited by croozer; 26-01-18 at 02:23 PM.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate Seamus round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so Seamus suggests a swap, "I'll f*ck her and you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees and within seconds paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to Seamus and says, "THAT my friend is how you waft a towel!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
SUCCESS:..................
At age 4 success is . . . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . . . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Port Douglas, Qld, Australia.
The owner of a golf course in Port Douglas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the James Cook University and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .
I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual which, according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive Aussie culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Now a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorables.
Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!
I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!
Funny . . . it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
As if all this crap wasn't enough to deal with
I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology crap."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your arse."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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