A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down
slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One
day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the
sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no
arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of
his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked
him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm
if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
I went into Bing Lee and said to the assistant,
"I need a freezer that will hold a body, and I need it now, I'll pay cash on delivery," and gave her the details.
When I got home the police were there waiting for me,
"Hello Sir, can we have a word with you? " they asked.
"Yes of course officer, I assume it's about the break and enter I reported over a week ago? " I said.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Sex Chain Letter that Really Works
I never send chain letters, but this one really works!
You will be offered sex by simply passing it on.
It’s incredible!
Here’s how it works:
Send an email with the Subject: “Tony Abbott Loves You” to ten recipients.
At least nine of them will reply telling you to go f#ck yourself.
lemon squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees'
behavior that was going on...
So He
called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the
angel returned, he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees
are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for
a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get
another opinion.'
So God
called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When the
angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.
The earth is
in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good...'
God was not
pleased.
So He
decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage
them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you
know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I
was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation: She never got your E-mail!"
gulliver (13-02-15)
Two prozzies talking in a fetish bar.
1st prozzy: See that guy sitting on the other side of the room? He'll give you 1,000$ if you'll let him whip you.
2nd prozzy: That's good. How long does he whip you for?
1st prozzy: Until you give him his 1,000$ back.
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while
sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy:
"Man you look tired."
His buddy says:
Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day.
She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when
I come home she's tearing my shirt of as I come through the door.
She's got her hands down my pants after dinner.
She even joins me in the shower almost every night.
I just don't know what to do.
A fellow in his 70s sitting a couple of stools down,
also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit."
'Viagra' is now available
in tea bags.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
IRISH SUGAR TEST
One day an Irishman goes into the pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the man starts getting amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand !"
Fred that is the 3rd time for the Irish Sugar Test!
MTV 05/27/14
XNAVYMEN 09/23/12
I no longer drink Irish whiskey!
Last edited by cmangle; 13-02-15 at 10:09 AM.
lsemmens (13-02-15)
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