Reply With QuoteI wouldn't worry about it fred49au unless the Irish whiskey association comes knocking on your door!
"Whaddya mean our whiskey tastes like p!$$?"
Sorry about that old timers has struck again.......
I wouldn't worry about it fred49au unless the Irish whiskey association comes knocking on your door!
"Whaddya mean our whiskey tastes like p!$$?"
fred49au (15-02-15)
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
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Be on your guard... just had a warning from police about keys.
We are being warned about 5 keys that can open 87% of cars and 99% of houses.
This is not a joke.
The keys you need to be on the lookout for are:
Dar-keys, Pak-keys, Bi-keys, Jun-keys & Key-wi's.
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is: there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."
The Australian got the job........
'An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'
(In the style of Pam Ayres)
The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
Jewish cab driver
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!
50 Shades Of Grey has been banned in Indonesia because "we refuse to tolerate such depravity". Said Mohammad Abdul, accompanied by his 9 year old wife.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The selfish prick!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
fred49au (16-02-15)
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
>
>
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Don’t Look Down!
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
Daughter's Vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A little known fact!!
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees,
And he begins to think totally irrationally.
Ever stop to wonder why?
Well, it's easy ..........
It's because she smells like a new car!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed
NAG NAG NAG
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!'
I heard they've stopped broadcasting The Flintstones in Dubai as the folks there just don't get the humour. However, the folks in Abu Dhabi do!
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... New York, L.A, Vegas..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP (but good) MEDICINE.
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