Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
she opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Greece
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I sighed and thought "I really need a new f*cking boat."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
This is such a heart warming story.
Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes' ?
It doesn’t take long….
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
Natural born citizens
In a University Classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be Prime Minister of Australia.
It was pretty simple.
The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything....
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
thought ide get my post count up by 1.
this is not a photo and it has not been told b4.
Smile for the day
For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned" Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
In every woman's magazine you've ever seen.
Page 8: Accept yourself for who you are
Page 15: How to lose 2 stone in a week
Page 16: Best cake recipe
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique hon"
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?". The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black"
One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man, "What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks "I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle of the road..." replies the man, still confused by the ordeal. "Then take it to the zoo!" the officer exclaims The next day the same officer spots the same man walking around with the same penguin! "Oi, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" "I did" replied the man, "we thoroughly enjoyed it, now we're off to the movies!"
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.
“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
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