Two Indian cooks have been taken to hospital after they accidentally snorted a line of curry powder instead of cocaine.
Ones in a korma, and the other has a dodgy tikka.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".
Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.
Distinguished Gentleman: "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy i will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage"-
-At that point the Father steps in and says "You'll f***k her again"
A man walks into a restaurant, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl." "Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead." the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, thats how far I made it."
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the #### is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
My wife rolled over towards me in bed and whispered seductively "Talk dirty to me."
I leaned closer and whispered in her ear "Volkswagen diesel......"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.
“Crutches???” the doctor asked.
“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
In a school science lesson, one worm was put into a jar of alcohol, one into a jar of cigarette smoke, one into a jar of sperm and a fourth a jar of soil.
The worms in alcohol, cigarette smoke and sperm died. However the worm in soil survived.
The teacher asked the class "What can you learn from this?"
A pupil replied "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him...
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it…
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
...Neither one works.
The new Pope is magic!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
How do crabs cross the road ?
On crutches.
irritant (25-07-16)
The best Pub!
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy ?"
"Not me meself, personally, no,"admitted the Irishman,"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
American Careers Advisor to student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"
Student: "Alive."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Perks of reaching 70 or being over 80 and heading towards 90!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
^
All of that is true
Women - effects of nationality
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH ?
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Collingwood is a magical place...
Which explains why so much stuff just disappears there.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"Go on," I said to the wife, "let me see your sex face."
"No!" she snarled.
"There, wasn't too difficult, was it?"
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
I almost overdosed on Viagra the other night.
The wife took it very hard.....
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
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