The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.Originally Posted by AdrianR
For most of my life, I lived a delusion
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the f*ck out of here!'
I was at a bank machine when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
2. Phone answering machine message - 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key!'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it must be Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctor's and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
A police recruit was asked what they would do if they had to arrest their mother. "Call for Backup", was the reply.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I suffer from kleptomania, but I'm doing OK.
If I feel an attack coming on, I take something for it.
My ex-girlfriend has a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of
family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in
it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.?
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact,
he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.?
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump..........
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring .
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck.' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks.' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right. But then I wouldn't have a siren would I?.'
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Wisdom of Socrates
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip around.
In ancient Greece , Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
“Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
Hazman beat you to it. While on the topic of Hazman, that last post you made is priceless, I could watch that over and over again!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
hazman (14-04-16)
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
AUSTRALIAN NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.
Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.
Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.
Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa, being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has convinced the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.
Australia now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman, Rothschild, Ebeneezer, Epstein & Drescher (GREED). Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists amazed.
Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation ! Serves them right.
Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten year $75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labor Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.
Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75%.
Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.
Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines . . . ..
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