A group of young hooligans at a football match had been drinking a lot of pints during the first half of the match. At half-time, one of them, absolutely bursting, decides to pop off to the bathroom for a much-needed pee. He also happens to be chomping on a carrot of all things.
As he's unzipping at the urinal, he can't help but notice a pretty inebriated, but blind, old man standing in front of the urinal next to him, his eyes closed, crying and sobbing, shoulders shaking, his head bowed low. The poor old man seems extremely depressed and distraught. "What's the matter sir?" says the young guy to the old man.
With his eyes shut and through the tears, the dejected old man manages to mumble "Sonny, I've tried everything. I can't get my dick out of my pants in order to have a pee. I can't see and I can't grip my dick and I just can't..." he bursts into tears again.
The young guy thinks "Oh man, there's no way I'm touching the old guy's cock, if he can't even get it out to pee, and he can't see, he's probably never washed it in years, but he needs help, what am I gonna do?" As he looks down, his suspicions are confirmed, it's the dirtiest cock he's ever seen. So he get's a brainwave. He says to the old guy "Don't worry, here let me help you" and he takes the carrot he's been chomping on, sticks it near the old man's dick, takes the old man's hand, makes him hold the carrot, and says to the old man "There you go sir."
"Oh thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you" the old guy praises the young man and breathes a sigh of relief. The old man begins to pee, but almost immediately, the old man loses control of the carrot and it falls to the ground. The old man begins sobbing uncontrollably once again and moans "Oh no, oh no!" "My dick just fell off."
The young man says "No sir, don't worry, it didn't fall off." "Don't talk sh*t to me sonny!" says the old guy. "I can feel the warm blood running down my legs!"
Last edited by irritant; 09-09-16 at 05:07 AM.
And as fate would have it, you cannot believe, the same thing happens again to this young guy at a football match a year later! This time, another crying, but seeing, old man is standing at the urinal next to him. Just like the previous guy, he also says he cannot get his dick out of his pants to pee. Recalling the carrot-scene from a year prior, he decides, stuff it, he'll just take the guy's actual cock out for him this time, and seeing as this one is not blind, he should be clean. As he begins to pull the cock out however, and it comes into the light, he almost hurls at the hideous sight. The old guy's cock is covered in blister's, sores, red skin, pustules, you name it. "Sis!" screams the young guy. "You make me touch that disgusting thing of yours you dirty old bastard!" The old guy chuckles and says "Thanks, at least I don't have to touch it by taking it out myself now!"
Last edited by irritant; 09-09-16 at 05:45 AM.
Deleted.
Last edited by irritant; 09-09-16 at 11:27 PM. Reason: Deleted post
^ thats not funny...............not even a small chuckle !!Originally Posted by AdrianR
Keith (13-09-16)
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!
As a nuclear inspector, I restrict the number of times I visit disaster sites to a minimum. In fact I can still count my visits to Chernobyl and Fukushima on the fingers of one hand.
Its seven.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Moe, Larry and Curly might take offence at that. They were NEVER that bad.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
william10 (13-09-16)
Turnbull will not let them leave their current job as his advisers. He is too scared they will reveal that he could not get a job as the fourth Stooger.
2016 presidential election
Last edited by cmangle; 14-09-16 at 02:16 AM.
I'm not surprised...looks like a Trump voter to me....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your gloves?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Not really a joke, but it made me laugh
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
"Dad, I didn't think they were allowed to put two people in the same grave?"
"I don't think you can, son. Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
But thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
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