I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.
In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "Thats the first time I've done that" she said.
"Sex or a one night stand" I replied.
"Sex, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex."
"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.
She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said. "Good because I much prefer being Christina."
My epileptic daughter sure loves our new Christmas tree.
You should see how excited she gets when we turn on the lights.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Genie: "Whats your first wish?"
Dave: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "Granted, what's your second wish?"
Rich: "I want lots of money, smartarse!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and
not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde
from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one
in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly when the young woman
sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his phone in public any longer.
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa , will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa , now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa , now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
What did the madam of a brothel say to the man who knocked on her establishment's door at 4 in the morning?
"We're closed. Beat it!"
A husband and wife are standing in the bathroom together when the wife suddenly says "My breasts are so small, I wish there were a way to make them bigger."
The husband looks at her and says "There is a way. Just take a piece of toilet paper every day, and rub it between your breasts, and over a period of a few years they will grow bigger."
Puzzled, the wife asks "How on earth will that work? It's only toilet paper."
The husband says "I don't know how it works, but it sure worked on your arse."
A man walks past a hooker in the street, turns to her and says "You're nothing but a common whore, you know that?"
Furious, she retorts back "Don't you dare call me that! Don't think for one minute I'm just gonna lie down and take whatever you give me!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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