Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

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    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner

    "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns


    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. "Robin Williams

    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman


    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
    Joan Rivers


    Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin

    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips


    "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
    Oscar Wilde

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    Don't be ashamed of who you are...

    That's your parents' job....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Edited to remove accidental re-post:-

    A bloke calls his wife from A&E. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works.
    "Oh my God!" cries the wife, "The whole finger?"
    "No," replies the bloke, "The one next to it."
    Last edited by Neddie; 28-12-16 at 01:49 AM.

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    Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting "little Charlie" hard.

    He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.

    A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck doc, these pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard."

    So the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.

    Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck doc, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate, don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"

    The doctor says "OK, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie." "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again."

    The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.

    Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit."

    The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it."

    "Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?"

    The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement."
    Last edited by Dr_Mohs; 27-12-16 at 09:26 PM. Reason: grammar

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    Edited to remove accidental Re-Post:-

    Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

    "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

    "I had a terrible day." replied Bob ..

    "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

    Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half."

    "I see", said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

    Bob replied: ..

    "Wrong room ..."
    Last edited by Neddie; 28-12-16 at 01:51 AM.

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    A body was found in a ditch alongside a busy highway.

    The pathologist at the local crime lab found semen in the victim's ear.

    Police say the victim definitely heard the killer coming.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mtv View Post
    Neddie,

    You are reposting jokes from only a couple of weeks ago.

    Given the amount of posts over this long-running thread, it's inevitable there will be some repeats... but please read before posting.
    Sorry, obviously on same mailing list as someone else, I'll look further back before posting.

    Edited to remove old joke. Try This:-

    I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint of beer.

    Off we went to our local which is just down the road from the house. I bought him a XXXX, he didn't like it – so I drank it it. Then I got him a VB, he didn't like it either , so I drank it.

    It was the same with the Guinness and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the f...ing pram back home.
    Last edited by Neddie; 28-12-16 at 01:30 AM.

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    Neddie,

    You are reposting jokes from only a couple of weeks ago.

    Given the amount of posts over this long-running thread, it's inevitable there will be some repeats... but please read before posting.

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    A man was over in Japan for a business trip. Him, his translator, and a Japanese businessman where playing a round of golf.

    The guy drives off the tee, but his ball suddenly fades sharply mid-flight and lands on the green of another hole. "Yakaai!" shouts the Japanese businessman.

    The guy turns to his translator and says "You know, last night I was with this Japanese girl and she kept shouting the same thing when we were making love. Yakaai! What on earth does it mean?"

    The translator says "It means wrong hole!"
    Last edited by Dr_Mohs; 28-12-16 at 07:12 AM. Reason: Shorten

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    DARWIN POST ….. Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.




    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.


    Here is her story in her own words:


    "While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, Kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.


    "The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.


    "If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!


    "Just one Hard Whack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took….


    "The' Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


    "The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got the lot."

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