Four mothers: German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which.
So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine," says the Italian mother and picks it up.
Next, the German mother walks up and says, "Heil Hitler." Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nazi salute and the German mother picks it up.
Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn't say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
"Hold on," says the French mother, "how can you be so sure that it's your baby? For all I know, it might be mine."
"Are you kidding?" says the Russian mother, "When the German mother said 'Heil Hitler', my baby made an angry face, and yours shat itself.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was debt free, Centrelink wrongfully says I owe $1000. Wallet Wizard to the rescue now I owe $10,000. Government debt dropped by $1000. Next step prison, now Government debt up by $100,000
Retired Person's Perspective
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a shit anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
At the liquor store:
"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yeah plenty, but I come here instead."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
There's a new edition of Monopoly out. Its called Millennial Monopoly.
You just move around the board paying rent, and you never have enough to actually buy anything.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Now I finally realize why fat people get offended by jokes about their weight...
They can't figure out on which chin to take it.
The wife decided about two months ago that it'd be a good idea for me to knock something up in the kitchen...
Our cleaner is now pregnant.
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
As I’m going away to uni, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said “OK, mate, you're going off to university. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the chemist.”
Me “It’s OK Dad, I already know about condoms.”
Dad “No - anti-depressants.”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Maybe that last can of beans was not a good idea . . .
Last edited by cmangle; 16-01-17 at 02:40 AM.
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair in Hospital
2016-11-07
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a
double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet. It’s delicate, close up work.
Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening,
there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.
The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure.
She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock.
Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore.
I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone with The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose.
He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.
My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened
“People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days,
now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’.
Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
Last edited by fred49au; 16-01-17 at 09:06 AM.
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...
'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???
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