Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Mexican immigrants are moving in their thousands before Trumps wall is erected.

    One Mexican who didn't wish to be named said, "Once that wall gets up we'll never get back into Mexico. "
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #5522
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    Anxious and depressed people far more likely to die from cancer, study shows
    Well, that'll REALLY cheer them up.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post


    Well, that'll REALLY cheer them up.
    Once you find out and BECOME depressed, it's all down hill from there.

    Ever hear how the doctor will say, "You had this tumor for years?" But once they know, they're dead in months!

    Personal experience, my dad 8^( . . . apology for going off topic mods!

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    My psychiatrist said I suffer from delusions of sexual superiority...

    Meh...she just wants me to f*ck her.

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    Got crapped on by the obnoxious floor manager of my local supermarket the other day for bringing my dog with me into the shop.

    "Excuse me sir, is that a service animal?" she snarled.

    Thinking quick I said "Yeah, he's a guide dog. I'm blind."

    She replied "Oh really, well if he's a guide dog, where's that little jacket he's supposed to be wearing?"

    I said "I'm blind, I couldn't find it."

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    How much citrus does it take to slowly kill a pirate?

    None.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof glass by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Swiss Rolex under the cuff, he patriotically said, "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants." All the while standing beside a Slovenian wife.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The worst feeling after sex? Looking down at the dangling used condom hanging limply off the end, and knowing you didn't have one on in the first place....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default Bloody women drivers

    Yesterday, I was driving behind a woman who was looking in the rear-view mirror, putting on her lipstick and mascara. Suddenly she noticed a stationary car in front of her and braked wildly. I had to slam on the brakes too.

    This caused me to drop my hot cup of coffee between my legs, which scorched "the boys", made me scream out in agony, which made me drop my phone and interrupt a very important business call, burn the tip of my nose with the cigarette lighter instead of lighting my fag, and cracked my knees as I was using them to steer.

    Bloody women drivers!

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    I've noticed that all women seem to carry around two key items in their handbags.....

    Lipstick to make sure their lips stay red and moist, and tampons to make sure that they don't.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A jumbo jet is just coming into the Sydney Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Sydney. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Sydney."

    He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

    The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Sydney?"

    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"

    Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

    Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

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