I was standing in front of someone at the check-out queue in my local supermarket when I accidentally farted.
A man behind me wearing a kippah on his head (who I assumed was Jewish) got extremely angry and asked me how dare I do such a dirty deed in public, and in front of him too!
To which I replied: "Just calm down man, a little gas never killed anyone."
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Daughter "My friend Emily says it's something holy people call Lent and that we are supposed to give up something while it lasts."
Me "Whew! Its just as well I gave up religion then isn't it."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Last edited by irritant; 03-03-17 at 08:11 PM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Paddy says to his mate Mick:
"When I had that vasectomy thing I thought it would stop the wife from getting pregnant, but all it's done is change the feckin' colour of the baby!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
My wife told me to go and get some of those pills to help me get a erection.
Should have seen her face when i got back and tossed her some diet pills.
Im still looking for a place to live......
Last edited by manfromironbark; 04-03-17 at 09:02 AM.
Guy rings his boss: "I can't come to work today. I've got a splitting headache, my guts are aching and I've got cramps in the legs. So I'm not coming in."
Boss: "Look, I really need you here today. When I feel like you do, I bite the bullet, go to my wife and demand rough sex. It exhilarates me, I feel better, and I can get moving. Give it a try."
Guy rings back 2 hours later: " I did what you said and guess what? It works! I feel great so I'll be there in half an hour.....Oh! By the way...you've got a nice house."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A woman with a tight skirt tried to get onto the bus. Unfortunately for her, the skirt was so tight that she could not lift her leg up enough to make the first step.
So, rather embarrassed, she smiles at the bus-driver (to distract him), reaches around the back, and unzips the skirt a little.
Still no luck. So, she smiles again, reaches around again, and unzips the skirt a little more.
Still no luck. This time, rather embarrassed, she once again reaches around to unzip her skirt a third time. As she is doing this, a large man standing behind her, firmly picks her up by the waist and places her on the steps of the bus.
She turns around: "How dare you just touch my body like that, you don't even know me!"
To which he answers: "Yeah, well, you'd be right of course, but after you unzipped my pants three times, I assumed we were friends."
Last edited by irritant; 04-03-17 at 08:40 PM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
A husband comes home and tells his wife "Honey, I've invited a friend of mine over for dinner, he'll be over in a few minutes."
She exclaims: "What!? How could you do that without telling me? The house is a mess, there are dirty dishes everywhere, I haven't had time to do my makeup or dress up properly, I don't feel like cooking a fancy three-course meal, and you know, I'm on my rags this week so I don't feel like entertaining people you idiot!"
He says: "I know all that sweetheart."
So, she asks: "Then why the hell would you invite him over?"
He answers: "The poor bastard is thinking of getting married next month."
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'
Doc say's .... Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
Last edited by manfromironbark; 05-03-17 at 09:58 AM.
Bored ? Get three pigs and label them 1, 2 and 4. Then let them loose in a mosque and watch the bastards go f*cking nuts trying to find number 3..
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 3rd time.
I just opened my Electricity Bill and Water Bill at the same time
I was completely shocked.
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
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