A husband and wife were driving home in their car one Saturday evening when a traffic officer pulls them over.
"Good evening sir" says the cop. "Good evening officer, what seems to be the problem?" says the husband with a friendly and cooperative smile.
"Sir, I noticed one of your headlights is not burning, I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "Oh officer" says the man, "this is honestly the first I know of it, last night both were still burning brilliantly, I check them regularly, but tonight I forgot."
"Rubbish!" the wife chips in. "Officer, I've been telling him about it for a month now, and he still hasn't fixed the damn thing."
The husband turns to his wife and under his breath he says to her: "What the f*ck woman?! Would you shut your mouth? What the hell are you doing?"
"U-ummm" the officer interrupts. "I see your one wiper-blade is perished too sir, I'm afraid that's another ticket." "Oh officer, that's the first I know of it, honestly, I just replaced the things a week ago! Must have been a defective pair I bought." says the man, very humbly.
"O c'mon! Officer, that thing's been like that for two months, longer than the headlight! Every time it rains, I nearly crash because I can't see through the windscreen. He just refuses to listen to me asking him to fix it." the wife interjects again.
"What the f*ck!!!?" the husband grumbles to her under his breath. "Are you stupid? What the f*ck are you doing woman?!"
The officer leans into the car and says "Ma'am, is your husband always this rude to you?" "Oh no" she answers. "Only when he's had too much to drink!"
Last edited by irritant; 05-04-17 at 04:04 AM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party last night.
I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.
The wife just put on a green coat and went as Thunderbird 2.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My brother down in Melbourne was looking over the fence into his next-door's neighbors garden, when he saw his neighbor Mohamed and his wife burying their daughter up to her neck and about to throw rocks at her head.
Outraged, he called the police and I'm happy to say that Victorian justice has prevailed - he's been charged with religious intolerance and Islamophobia.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
It's a slow day, and you have nothing else to do . . .
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”
“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
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The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful like vacuum the house once a week".
The guy gives it a moment's thought and says: "Sure, why not. Where's the vacuum?"
Half an hour later, Joe walks into the kitchen to get some coffee.
His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running. I thought you were going to use it."
Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken. It won't start. We need to buy a new one."
"Really", she says, "Show me - It worked fine the last time I used it".
I was really shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well.
I didn't think they worked.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Why they name cyclones/hurricanes after women
Ever wondered why they name cyclones/hurricanes (e.g. Debbie, Katrina, Rita...) after women?
Well, there's a good reason for that. Because, both of them, when they come, are wet, wild, and make one hell of a screaming and moaning sound...
But, when they leave, they take the car, the boat and half the bloody house with them, leaving you in ruins...
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
You will have to click on to open it tried to post it as an open gif but it didn't work.
Last edited by hazman; 07-04-17 at 09:44 PM.
Ever wonder how to get a priest to have sex with a nun? Dress her like an alter boy.
Meanwhile in Tierra Del Fuego...
Last edited by irritant; 08-04-17 at 12:27 PM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
"Son, you will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"
"But the wedding isn't until tomorrow dad"
"I know, son"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"Dad..."
"What?"
"How do you know when you've met the right woman?"
"They f*cking tell you, son."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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