Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

    Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

    Anyway, she finally managed to park the car so we rushed in and caught the credits...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    NEW SLOGANS FOR UNITED AIRLINES

    You carry on, we carry off.

    Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

    Would you like a neck pillow or a neck brace?

    The captain has turned on the no passenger sign .

    We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

    If we can’t seat you, we can beat you.

    We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really!

    We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available.

    You are now free to be dragged around the cabin.

    and…

    We put the hospital in hospitality.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
    When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
    To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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    Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

    She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

    She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

    Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"

    "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f'king advice, he'll ask me."

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    I went shopping with the wife the other day, when she got into an argument with another couple, and berated the other woman for cutting her off in the queue. Before I could do anything, she suddenly smacked the other woman through the face with a frozen piece of fish.

    The husband turned to me and said "Good grief! Don't just stand there, your wife has obviously lost her damn mind!"

    To which I answered nonchalantly, "It wouldn't surprise me, considering she gives me a piece of it almost daily."
    Last edited by irritant; 20-04-17 at 12:13 AM.
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    Last Friday night, whilst watching TV with the wife, I saw something that made me realize I no longer want to be with her.

    It's when the presenter said "Here are your numbers again in numerical order, they are: 4, 12, 22, 23, 41, and your powerball number is 16."
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    Has anyone else noticed that the most violence and rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?

    Just sayin.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    LOL

    What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

    He wiped.
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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    Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "Ill never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads!"

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    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

    “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most all have, or could, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?”

    After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Wedding Cake ?”


    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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    An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.

    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000," he said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

    On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

    All Seniors Aren't Senile
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Met a gorgeous blonde at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we made mad, passionate love right then and there!

    Man...I just love my new taser!
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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