Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    What do you call a man with a block of wood on his head?

    Edward.

    What do you call a man with two blocks of wood on his head?

    Edward Wood.

    What do you call a man with three blocks of wood on his head?

    Edward Woodward.

    What do you call a man with four blocks of wood on his head?

    Buggered if I don't know but Edward Woodward would.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I went into a fancy dress hire shop and asked for a vampire outfit so I looked like the Count. The assistant came back with a Collingwood jumper, black shorts and socks.

    I said "I think that you must've misheard me love, I said that I want to look like a Count."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    I went into a fancy dress hire shop and asked for a vampire outfit so I looked like the Count. The assistant came back with a Collingwood jumper, black shorts and socks.

    I said "I think that you must've misheard me love, I said that I want to look like a Count."
    Was that supposed to be funny enf? Oh dear your getting worse with age

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    Default The Lost Hits of Dr Rina Turner

    "Private Doctor" by Rina Turner, M.D.

    Chorus: I'm your private doctor,
    Check prostates for money,
    And any old rectum will do,

    Yeah, I'm your private doctor,
    Check prostates for money,
    And any old rectum will do.


    Wanted to be a heart specialist,
    But those exams were just insane.
    Now I stick my fingers up asses,
    All of them pretty much the same.

    Chorus

    Tried to be a plastic surgeon,
    Unsteady hands got to me.
    Tried everything to hold still,
    But a pair of botched tits was the end of me.

    Chorus

    I plough through a thousand cases,
    All of them are much the same.
    You don't look at their faces,
    Just stick it in, and look away.

    Chorus
    Last edited by irritant; 27-06-17 at 05:23 AM.

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    The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

    Nobody knows what will happen.

    Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

    But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

    No matter what:

    Metal

    Wood

    Stone

    Anything she touched would melt.

    Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

    The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

    He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,

    'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

    The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

    The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an

    object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

    THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

    The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

    But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted

    The prince went away sadly

    The second prince brought diamonds.

    He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

    But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

    He too was sent away disappointed.

    The third prince approached. He told the Princess,

    'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

    The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

    She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.

    And it did not melt!!!

    The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

    And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was in the Prince's pants.











    M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

    What on earth were you thinking?

    I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The wife just walked into the living room wearing a bright new summer dress she'd just bought.

    She said "Well? What do you think?"

    I said "Yeah it's nice, but your knickers are coming down."

    She looked down and said "No their not!"

    I replied "Yes they are, or that dress is going straight f*cking back!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Sorry guys, fixed it:

    Last edited by irritant; 01-07-17 at 02:39 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdrianR View Post
    All I get is "Forbidden"
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    I spent the last half an hour defrosting the fridge last night,

    Or "foreplay" as the missus likes to call it

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    Venus Williams has finally proved that she actually IS a woman.....she can't drive...

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    At a medical conference recently, delegates were deliberating on what name to give to a major breakthrough in sex-change procedures. A fast, new procedure which can instantly change a woman into a man was unveiled.

    They sat for hours trying to think out a name. "We have hysterectomies, vaginoplasties, penectomies, masectomies, and so on and so forth. What on earth do we call this new operation?"

    Until one young doctor jumped up and said excitedly: "How about we call it the strapacocktome?"

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    Recently, Pfizer (the creators of Viagra) decided to try their hand at establishing a political party, of all things!

    Unfortunately they had to scrap the idea because they just couldn't raise enough members.

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