Wife: "Someones swiped my knickers off the clothesline."Originally Posted by hazman
Husband: "I gave them to the kids next door for their game."
Wife: "What? Why did you do that?"
Husband: "They're playing pirates and they needed a sail for their galleon."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Last edited by irritant; 16-07-17 at 09:16 AM.
I'm NOT f*cking stupid!!
Well, I mean I used to, but I divorced her.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant."
"How did this happen my child?" He asks her.
"Father, I think it's the second coming." she says.
Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?"
To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one."
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What is the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until a boy is at least 13 before
coming on his face.
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I told my girlfriend to stick my coke up her arse so I could smuggle it through airport customs. I didn't
realize you could actually buy one in the departure lounge.
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A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled
up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her. He gets out of bed
again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the
kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks. "We were just upstairs making love!"
"WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my G*d!" the wife gasps. "That's my mother up there you sick
bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while."
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mother, why didn't you say anything?"
To which the MIL replies: "Hah, I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start
now!"
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Just bought a memory stick for the wife. It's brilliant! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex
since the first beating.
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Last edited by irritant; 16-07-17 at 07:27 PM.
The BBC have just announced that the 13th Doctor Who will be female.
Details about the first episode have been leaked. Apparantly the Doctor crashes the Tardis into a comet whilst trying to reverse out from a moon.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm going to sue McDonald's.
I ate six Happy Meals today and now I hate myself.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My daughters have been flooded with DR. Who stuff....so here is just some....
I was having foreplay with the new Doctor Who and guess what? It was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside.
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Apparently the BBC have already written the first episode for the 14th Doctor. The Doctor will be going on an intergalactic quest to find a replacement clutch for the Tardis.
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After only a couple of days with an announced female Dr. Who, the sonic screwdriver already smells of fish.
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After 12 male Dr. Who's in that tardis it's about time we had a woman. It must need a good clean by now.
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Dr Who started in 1963 as a Science Fiction Drama - Now in 2017 its changed to a Period Drama.
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God help the Daleks once a month.
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They way it's going, they'll be casting a Special Needs Dr. Who next... Travelling about in his Retardis.
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In the first episode of the new series... Doctor Who travels 150 years back in time and is promptly sent to prison for wearing trousers.
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We should have Mr Marple now to make it bloody even.
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How long before Dr Who demands maternity leave? Have they thought of that f*cker?
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Insurance premiums for the Tardis have just gone through the roof.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.
This, scientists say, is basically due to the fact that they change them every f*cking 10 seconds or so.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
The other day I went for a cheap circumcision, as advertised on a street lamp post.
Actually turned out to be a real rip-off...
Last edited by irritant; 20-07-17 at 10:49 AM. Reason: Change
I've been a stand-up comic for 30 years. I've developed an astigmatism (eye's point in different directions) due to standing on stage and staring into spotlights for all those years.
So, I went to an optometrist to see if I could have it fixed. "Easy" he said. "Nowadays, we use laser treatment to rectify that in a jiffy!"
So, I asked "Great, what does that involve exactly?"
To which he answered "Well we shine this laser light beam into your eye, and..."
That's when I ran out of that place. I know a scam when I hear it...
After jumping into bed, my wife found out that I had replaced our bed with a trampoline. She went through the roof...
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