Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #6221
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    "Warning: May cause stress, impotence, poverty, adultery, murderous impulses and any other number of ailments. " I said.

    "That's a serious warning, what's it on?" Replied the wife.

    "Wedding rings. " I answered.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #6222
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    Dammit, I've got to go to work this morning.

    Another eight hours sitting in front of a screen, reading and typing a bunch of pointless crap that no-one in their right mind would find interesting.

    I can't wait til it's over, and I can go home and spend the evening on Facebook.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The teacher asked her class: "Kids, tell me, what does the chicken give us?"

    Class: "Eggs!"

    Teacher: "Well done! And what does the pig give us?"

    Class: "Bacon!"

    Teacher: "Well done! And, finally, what does the cow give us?"

    Class: "Homework!"

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    I'm in the sh*t at home again...

    Jeeez...has any man EVER won a game of "notice anything different about me?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

    They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

    The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

    However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

    Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

    After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

    Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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    The first daughter comes out to her parents and tells them "I'm a lesbian."

    The father, maintaining his composure, says OK he accepts that, and asks the second daughter "What about you?"

    To which she replies "I'm a lesbian too dad." Furious, he shouts "Is there ANYONE in this family that likes cock?"

    To which his only son replies back happily "I do!"

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    I heard that Americans pray before each meal.

    FFS, even muslims only pray 5 times a day.....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The other day whilst having sex with the wife I asked her to moan a bit, because I reckoned our physical relationship could do with a little spicing up...

    To which she replied "You're rubbish in bed, the ceiling needs painting and when the f*ck are you going to put those shelves up?"

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    A woman phones her mother-in-law for some advice. She asks: "When the child poops itself, whose responsibility is it to clean the child up, the mother or the father?"

    Mother-in-law: "The mother dear, always the mother."

    Daughter-in-law: "Good. Then come over and clean up your son. He got drunk and shat himself."

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    Last edited by irritant; 01-08-17 at 02:02 AM.

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    I took a bird back to my house for sex last night. Twenty seconds into it, my d*ck went floppy.

    She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"

    "Of course I can," I said, "But you really shouldn't put yourself down like that."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cmangle View Post

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    The other day I pinned a picture of my wife to the bull's eye of my dartboard and was trying to hit her in the face with a new set of top-flights I had just bought with our vacation money (what actually started the argument and hostility).

    Anyway, I just couldn't get it 100% on target, and as I was throwing, she rang. "What are you busy doing right now, jackass?" she asked. So, I decided to give her the harsh truth "Oh, nothing really, just missing you..."

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    My internet speed in Thailand is .24mbps download .53mbps upload.

    If that doesn't make you laugh nothing will.

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