Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    "But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"

    "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I swallowed some scrabble letters by accident.

    My next crap could spell trouble.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I don't know the name of it, but it must be the best damn book ever written!



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    This came from a U.S. soldier's wife. It says it all:



    "I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...


    At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.


    However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

    It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

    Every one of them missed the bastard..."

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    A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.

    "Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you OK with that?"

    He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on, so tell me more."

    "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Donald Trump was recently asked "Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?"

    He thought for a few seconds then replied " I don't know which is which but I know they sung 'I GOT YOU BABE'...."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".

    The captain says "You're new here, aren't you? This is Air Force One".

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    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”
    I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
    She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
    I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
    Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over 60 ...............who cares?

    Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

    Lady Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

    Cowboy: “Nah... She’s purty good lookin’.....”

    When you’re over 60 ...............who cares?


    I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
    She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

    I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

    Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over 60 ...............who cares?


    I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

    “Really” she said, “Go on then... try.”

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

    I said, “Yesterday.”

    Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over 60 ...............who cares?


    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

    Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over 60...............who cares?


    I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

    The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

    I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over 60.............who cares
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    I heard my wheelchair bound neighbour was competing in the upcoming paralympics, so I popped round to wish him luck.

    His wife told me he was training in the back garden , so I let myself through the side gate, and saw him in his wheelchair wearing his Olympic vest and shorts.

    I watched him for a bit as he sat there counting to 3 before smacking himself in the forehead with a ping pong bat, over and over again . ' one, two, three ..whack...one, two, three...whack...

    When he stopped, I said "Ummmm ....that seems like a strange way to train for table tennis ? "

    He replied , "Nah, I'm in the 110 metre hurdles ".
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

    She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He thanked her and continued playing golf.

    On the back nine he got lost again.

    He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
    She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

    Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

    When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
    As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

    He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

    She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

    He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

    She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

    He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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