The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[enf]

"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"

I peered over the top of the paper. "No, not really." I told her.

"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"

"No, not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look f*cking ridiculous with legs that size attached to it."

[enf]

I said to the wife "You should go without a bra more often"

"Why? " she giggled, "Is it because it's sexy to see my titties jiggle up and down and my nipples poking out"?

I pulled down the paper "No, not really. They pull the wrinkles out of your face".

[hazman]

3 farmers from <pick your region> were standing around discussing the best way to get pleasure from a sheep.

The 1st one says, "I like to take one up to the cliff and face it away, taking it from behind. It gets scared from the drop and pushes back - we get that back and forth going..."

The other two grunt and agree that this is indeed a fine way to get it on with sheep.

The 2nd guy pipes up and says, "I like to slide their back hooves down into my boots. Then it feels stuck, so it pulls and I push and we get some friction going on that way."

Again, the two others agree with this perverted method.

The 3rd guy then blurts out, "I like to flip em' over on their backs, hooves in the air and take em' missionary style."

The other two recoil in disgust and one of them shouts, "Why in the hell would you wanna' do that!?"

"Because," explains the 3rd guy, "that way you can kiss em."

[hazman]

[lsemmens]

JESUS AND THE LABOR SUPPORTER"
I hope you get a smile out of this one. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)

A 'liberal', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The 'Liberal looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Liberal' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a 'Bob Katter' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Bob Katter' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor' supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold XXXX beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor' supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Liberal, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Liberal' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the 'Bob Katter' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Katter' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor' supporter, just smiling. The 'Labor' supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension."

[enf]

Looks like the Hollywood gay community have managed to get a gay transformer included in the next film.

He turns into a Prius.

[Seymour Butts]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New
York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward
his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

[cmangle]

[enf]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in serious bodily injury or death.

[enf]

I've been posting jokes for a long while now and admittedly a lot of them have jumped on the cheap, easy point scoring of the anti Muslim bandwagon.

It may surprise you all to know that in reality I'm actually an MMM (Modern Moderate Muslim). This just goes to show we have a sense of humour too and perhaps we're not all that different to each other. Just people who aspire to enjoying life. It would be good to learn from each other, and who knows, Islam may even have something to offer you.

So let's unite together and become a full, co-operative society without hatred and malice. Then maybe, just maybe, you can stop treating us like we're homos, Jews or women.

[cmangle]

[Neddie]

NBN Sex

Stayed in all day - No one came.

[Neddie]

[enf]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Tiny]

[enf]

[Thala Dan]

[cmangle]

[enf]

[ol' boy]

Not sure if its a Joke and i'm really not sure what she is selling.......



But 3 Bangs for $20 sounds fantastic to me!