Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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  • #6542
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    Quote Originally Posted by hazman View Post
    Must be a lot of women use that bathroom.

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    On the lips of every Dallas Cowboys fan this morning . . . .

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    "This video is unavailable" at that link.
    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ####'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

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    Quote Originally Posted by hazman View Post
    A tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ####'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
    Fixed that for you hazman



    A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.


    'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.' --Tim, 7 years old


    'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' --Melanie, 7 years old


    'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think it is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old


    ''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old


    'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lily, 7 years old


    'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old


    'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old


    'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years

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    Sorry tiny, fixed....

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.
    The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your

    rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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    Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

    Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
    He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

    After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

    Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

    He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

    Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?

    Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
    How do you like them?

    Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?
    Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?

    He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?

    Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face turns red..

    He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight.

    Please, please, tella me this true!

    Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight..'

    Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ...

    I thought I had a CRACK in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.............

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