Thread: The Joke thread

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    Thought for the day... who picks up guide dogs poo?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Blind toes . . . sooner or later after (how do you Oz boys say) walkabout?

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    Last edited by AdrianR; 17-05-17 at 04:21 PM.

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    AND they were RUSSIAN mattresses at that! Just WHERE did they come from!


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    Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

    The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

    "Well, what is it?" he asks.

    "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

    Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?"

    The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is, yes"

    "Aaaaah, then that's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by AdrianR; 18-05-17 at 08:50 PM.

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    Why do they call it a "selfie"?

    Because "narcissistie" is too hard for the dumb f*cks to spell.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Thumbs up

    Last edited by PZ.; 18-05-17 at 09:15 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PZ. View Post
    See Post #5996 Three days ago.

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    Two young nuns in a convent were ordered to paint their room by the mother superior, but she insisted they get no paint on their clothes.

    So, they decide to take off their clothes, fold it up, and lock the door. They start painting, but soon enough, they hear a knock on the door.

    "Who is it?" the one nun says. "Blind man!" they hear from outside the door.

    The nuns look at each other, and the one says "Oh well, he is blind, it's not like he'll see anything. What would be the harm in letting him in?"

    So they open the door and let him in.

    The man walks in and says "Hey! Nice tits. At which window do you want me to hang these?"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Reschs View Post
    See Post #5996 Three days ago.
    Ahh sorry about that. I changed it to a right hand drive

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    An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
    other for a long time.

    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
    finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
    dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might
    work.

    They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
    of their physical relationship. How do you feel about sex? he asked,
    rather tentatively.

    I would like it infrequently," she replied. The
    old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
    leaned over towards her and whispered,

    Is that one word or two?

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    I was out drinking the other night and got so drunk I puked all over my shirt.
    I turned to my mate and slurred, "Oh ####... now when I come home my wife's going to know for sure I've been drinking."

    "It's not a big deal," he replied, "Just stick a tenner in your shirt pocket, and say that some other guy got so drunk he turned and puked all over you, and then apologized and gave you 10 bucks to get your shirt cleaned."

    "That's a good idea," I replied as I was absolutely shitfaced... So I stuck a note in my shirt pocket and staggered home...

    The wife challenged me that I had been drinking, so I blathered out, "Oh, I'm not drunk... some other guy was drunk and puked all over my shirt, so he apologized gave me 10 bucks to get it cleaned."

    "10 bucks? That looks like a 20 to me!" she blurted.

    "Oh, that's right, he also shat in my pants."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    After trying really really hard, and after a lot of convincing, I finally got my wife to do that thing with her mouth that men love and crave so very much...

    Close it.
    Last edited by AdrianR; 20-05-17 at 04:41 AM.

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    Didn't use to be that way . . . what happened?


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    ROPE TEST - This test was designed to help older men stay mentally fit. Its a simple counting game, just count the number of turns the rope makes - I stopped at 2367, because dinner was ready.


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    Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ed."
    Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to Live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
    Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
    "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
    "Not bad," replied Ed the hen, "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
    "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've Never laid an egg before?"
    "Never," said Ed.
    "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
    He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! Yer shitting in the bed!"

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    The wife said "I,m going to bed, are you coming?"

    "No, but I will shortly." I replied as I switched on the PC.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default The Grandfather Clock

    Colonel Reichman, who sometimes likes to assist in interrogation for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop sellings clocks and watches and immediately decides to enter.

    Inside, the owner - a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

    "Frauline" he starts, "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door."

    "Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shoppie." she answers.

    "Frauline, don't gif me shizer, you know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze f*cking grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.

    "Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is f*cked! It does not vork!" she says.

    "Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.

    "Colonel, ze pendulum only sfings von vay, ze f*cking ting only goes 'TICK', 'TICK', 'TICK' and it cannot go 'TOCK'." she answers.

    He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays and means of making it TOCK!"
    Last edited by AdrianR; 22-05-17 at 06:24 PM.

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