Three nuns were attending a rugby final...
Three men were sitting directly behind...
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area...
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to sydney ... There are only 100 nuns living there...”
Then the second guy spoke up and said, “i want to go to tasmania .... There are only 50 nuns living there...”
The third guy said, "i want to go to new zealand .... There are only 25 nuns living there..."
one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,
"why don’t you go to hell ... There aren't any nuns there!"
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Have you heard about the sex position called the "australia post"?
You stay in all day, but nobody comes.
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
50 Shades Of Gay.Originally Posted by cmangle
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
The new neighbours sure are a nosey bunch.
Or 'Jewish' as they call it.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I went out and splurged and bought a new Rolls Royce, only to find out that the budget didn't cover a driver.
So i spent all that money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"I've dumped my fuel and I'm going down fast..."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
My flat chested wife and I went to see a marriage counselor today.
Counselor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Me: "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Banned from Woolworths
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
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