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Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #6021
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    Default Losing My Virginity

    I can't believe it, at the age of 30, I finally lost my virginity!

    I've tried everything over the years to get laid.

    But, ironically, it was rather anti-climactic to be honest.

    Sex really isn't all it's "cracked up" to be - and it's taken me a whole week before I could sit down again.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    "I love you lots, snuggles." The wife announced earlier.

    "And I love you tons." I replied.

    "Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"

    Sigh! Sometimes I swear the fat bitch is going deaf.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    Two Indonesian men have been caught having gay sex by vigilantes.

    They have been sentenced to public spanking.

    Their plan is to get caught again on Friday and Saturday, and again next Monday and Wednesday.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default What do you guys reckon?

    My wife told me the other day "Honey, you are what you eat."

    Is that her subtle way of telling me I'm a c*nt?

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    Default

    The wife complained that I never see things from her point of view.

    So I looked out the kitchen window.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships...

    Apparently "in HD" was an inappropriate answer to give.

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    Default German measles

    Years ago during WWII, Colonel Reichman was having sex with a local German woman. When they were done, and knowing how virile he was, he said to her proudly: "In 9 month's time you vill have a baby. You may name it after me if you vish."

    To which the woman answers: "In 9 day's time you vill come out vit ze rash, you may call it f*cking measles if you vish!"

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    Default

    Durex have made a new condom with anaesthetic on the inside so you can last longer.

    I like to wear it inside out so I don't wake my victims up.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default

    So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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