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Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #6521
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    A man and his blond wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

    'HEBREWS'

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  • #6522
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    The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I went to our Club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

    I said, "Good legs."

    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re seventy...............who cares?


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  • #6527
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    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

    There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one day the ship sank.

    The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK...OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
    After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
    "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
    Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fxcking business!"....

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  • #6531
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    The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets..

    Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

    And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

    And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

    And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

    And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

    And they were comforted.

    And God was pleased.

    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

    And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

    And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased..

    And Dog was happy.

    And Cat . . .didn't give a **** one way or the other.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

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  • #6532
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    At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

    “ I’d take half and leave you” she says.

    “Great” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch”.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

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    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

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