Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Whats Americas favourite food?

    Seconds.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

    It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me.



    I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here, love,

    .........they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2."

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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' and on and on and on......

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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    The wife told me "You can be a right bastard sometimes...."

    So, I chose Mondays and Wednesdays.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    On the eve of war,the ruthless commander was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldier. One soldier then sneezes in the middle of commander’s speech. The commander stops, looks around and asks: “who sneezed?” there was no answer…. he asks again and sure enough no one answered. Commander is now angry, he doesn’t like being ignored so he orders executed the soldier who is in the first line . He asks again, and no one answers… “Execute the soldier who is in the third line” and the hapless soldier is dead by gun shot!

    He asks again… then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear… “it was me… I sneezed” Ruthless Commander turns to soldier and says “Bless you.”And then carries on with his speech.

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    An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?"

    The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever i go chucky Goes."

    "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the Theatre."

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    "Marge," whispered Mildred.

    "What?" said Marge.

    "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

    "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

    "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

    "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."

    "I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

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    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello."

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

    We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Billy Bob and mah Pappy were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Pappy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Pappy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

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    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her young pupils put on his boots?

    He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
    By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

    She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.
    It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

    She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
    He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

    She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

    Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

    Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

    He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

    She will be eligible for parole in three years

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    Son: "Dad, do you know why they call it Boxing Day?"

    Me: "Yeah son, I do! It's the day all the supermarkets get the boxes out and fill the shelves full of f*cking Easter eggs."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    My mate asked "What did your wife have to say when she caught you in bed with her sister?"

    "When you take out the expletives, NOTHING really."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was drinking my first morning cup of coffee, when my son walked in....

    "Dad, why do birds sing in the morning?"

    "Because they don't have to go to f*cking work son!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    ROYAL NEWS:....

    Meghan Markle is rumoured to be spending Christmas with the Queen.

    Followed by New Year with Princess Diana.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A teenage boy goes into a pharmacy and asks: - Do you have condoms?

    The pharmacist answers: - Of course we do.

    Boy: - Well than give me one.

    The pharmacist reaches to the condoms takes one and was about to print the bill for it when the boy said: - You know I'm on my way to my girlfriends place for dinner, and she has a gorgeous sister and I think she expects something too.

    The pharmacist reaches for another one and was about to print the bill again, when the boy said: - You know what, I think her mum expects something from me too, give me the whole packet.

    The pharmacist gives it to him and charges him for it and the boy leaves.

    The dinner: Everybody is sitting at the table the dinner is served and everybody is doing their prayers before dinner.

    When the girls family was done praying they started to eat, but the boy was still praying.

    The main course came and went, but the boy was still praying.

    His girl was wondering why is the boy behaving so oddly, she kicks him under the table and says to him: - You never told me that you're so religious!

    The boy answers: - You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!
    Last edited by Neddie; 15-12-17 at 08:10 AM.

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