Page 332 of 332 FirstFirst ... 232282322323324325326327328329330331332
Results 6,621 to 6,632 of 6632

Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #6621
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    11,606
    Thanks
    9,160
    Thanked 13,050 Times in 4,526 Posts
    Rep Power
    4610
    Reputation
    205150

    Default

    Whats Americas favourite food?

    Seconds.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (10-12-17),hazman (09-12-17),Keith (10-12-17),Neddie (10-12-17)



  • #6622
    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Under the Boardwalk AC USA
    Posts
    1,824
    Thanks
    1,058
    Thanked 2,593 Times in 662 Posts
    Rep Power
    1093
    Reputation
    45607

    Default


  • The Following User Says Thank You to cmangle For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (10-12-17)

  • #6623
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

    It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me.



    I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here, love,

    .........they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2."
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Neddie For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (10-12-17),cmangle (10-12-17),enf (10-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (10-12-17),hazman (10-12-17),Keith (10-12-17),lsemmens (11-12-17),zzzzz (10-12-17)

  • #6624
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' and on and on and on......

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Neddie For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (10-12-17),carjackma (10-12-17),dashinson (10-12-17),enf (10-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (10-12-17),hazman (10-12-17),Keith (10-12-17),lsemmens (11-12-17)

  • #6625
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    11,606
    Thanks
    9,160
    Thanked 13,050 Times in 4,526 Posts
    Rep Power
    4610
    Reputation
    205150

    Default

    The wife told me "You can be a right bastard sometimes...."

    So, I chose Mondays and Wednesdays.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (10-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (10-12-17),hazman (10-12-17),Keith (10-12-17),lsemmens (11-12-17),Neddie (10-12-17),oceanboy (10-12-17)

  • #6626
    Member zzzzz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    australia/thailand )
    Posts
    451
    Thanks
    77
    Thanked 64 Times in 25 Posts
    Rep Power
    150
    Reputation
    737

    Default

    On the eve of war,the ruthless commander was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldier. One soldier then sneezes in the middle of commander’s speech. The commander stops, looks around and asks: “who sneezed?” there was no answer…. he asks again and sure enough no one answered. Commander is now angry, he doesn’t like being ignored so he orders executed the soldier who is in the first line . He asks again, and no one answers… “Execute the soldier who is in the third line” and the hapless soldier is dead by gun shot!

    He asks again… then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear… “it was me… I sneezed” Ruthless Commander turns to soldier and says “Bless you.”And then carries on with his speech.

  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to zzzzz For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (10-12-17),hazman (10-12-17),SS Dave (10-12-17)

  • #6627
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    780
    Thanks
    2,463
    Thanked 3,857 Times in 601 Posts
    Rep Power
    1687
    Reputation
    77044

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (11-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (11-12-17),Keith (11-12-17),Neddie (10-12-17)

  • #6628
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?"

    The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever i go chucky Goes."

    "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the Theatre."

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    "Marge," whispered Mildred.

    "What?" said Marge.

    "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

    "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

    "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

    "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."

    "I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Neddie For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (11-12-17),enf (11-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (11-12-17),hazman (11-12-17),Keith (11-12-17),lsemmens (11-12-17)

  • #6629
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello."

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

    We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Neddie For This Useful Post:

    enf (11-12-17),fred49au (11-12-17),gulliver (11-12-17),hazman (11-12-17),Keith (11-12-17),lsemmens (11-12-17)

  • #6630
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    11,606
    Thanks
    9,160
    Thanked 13,050 Times in 4,526 Posts
    Rep Power
    4610
    Reputation
    205150

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (11-12-17),gulliver (11-12-17),Keith (11-12-17)

  • #6631
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    Billy Bob and mah Pappy were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Pappy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Pappy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • #6632
    Junior Member
    Neddie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Sunshine Coast, Queensland
    Age
    74
    Posts
    233
    Thanks
    102
    Thanked 467 Times in 123 Posts
    Rep Power
    207
    Reputation
    9350

    Default

    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her young pupils put on his boots?

    He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
    By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

    She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.
    It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

    She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
    He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

    She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

    Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

    Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

    He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

    She will be eligible for parole in three years
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, that’s brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

  • Page 332 of 332 FirstFirst ... 232282322323324325326327328329330331332

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •