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Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #6501
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    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

    Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation; 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

    'An ambulance just drove past'

    'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.

    'Matt's riding a new bike!'

    'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

    'Jason is on his skateboard!'

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!'

    Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

    'Jimmy Cooper is standing on their balcony with a Mars Bar.'
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #6502
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    Retired Person's Perspective

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

    4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

    5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

    6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

    7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

    9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.


    Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
    Last edited by Neddie; 12-11-17 at 05:03 PM.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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  • #6503
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    MEDICARE PART G

    If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.
    The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician in your district.
    You'll be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Thatís great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
    And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they canít afford for you to go into a nursing home.
    And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
    Is this a great country or what?
    Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
    "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
    Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
    Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

    A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
    He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?
    Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

    Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
    Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday.Ē

    Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
    Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
    Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
    They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

    Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
    3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
    2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
    Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
    Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
    Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
    Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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  • #6506
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    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
    That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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  • #6507
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    I just lost a good friend of mine in a terrible accident.

    He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #6509
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    Not that funny but certainly smart

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    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
    The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
    'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
    The old man said: 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
    'Sure will.'
    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the Piano Player.
    'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw.'
    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the Piano Player.
    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
    The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt half as much.'
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

    The first woman says "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice"

    The second woman says "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"

    The third woman says We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us."
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
    so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,
    "Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy Ė Weekend workshop", Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

    He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

    Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Self Raising, isn't it?"

    The divorce goes through next week.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    Last edited by cmangle; 15-11-17 at 05:16 AM.

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    It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across France by train to board his ship for home.

    The train was quite crowded and the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

    The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

    'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

    She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    Ahhhhhhh now I get it !!!!!!!!!

    A Muslim child asks his mother, "Mama, what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?Ē
    Mother, dressed in her Burkha says, "Well son, Democracy is when the Australian tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits, you know, like free housing, free health care, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centres, and so forth, you know that's a Democracy".

    ďBut Mama, don't the Australian tax payers get angry about that?"

    "Sure they do and that's what we call Racism!Ē

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    Looking for a Good Home.

    My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.

    She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

    So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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  • #6520
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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
    husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
    She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
    explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a
    preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    (Wait for it)








    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
    Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

    "This is great stuff... Phil Bennett covering, chased by Alistair Scowen... brilliant... Oh, thatís brilliant! John Williams, Brian Williams ...Pullin, John Dawes ...Great dummy! ...David, Tom David ...the half way line ...Brilliant by Quinnell! This is Gareth Edwards! ...A dramatic start! ...what a score! ...Oh, that fellow Edwards!!" Cliff Morgan

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    alpha0ne (16-11-17),gulliver (18-11-17),hazman (16-11-17),Keith (16-11-17),lsemmens (17-11-17),zzzzz (16-11-17)

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