Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #5621
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    Don't know how or IF you Oz boys celebrate Valentine's Day in Oz, but here in the states . . .


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    My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him.

    He asked "Does Mummy have one"?

    I replied "Yes son, all women have one"

    "Whats Mummy's vagina like"? he asked.

    "You tell me son, you were the last bloke anywhere near it" .....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The price of lamb has just gone up in New Zealand.

    Its now about $17.99 an hour...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Welfare Check

    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
    HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
    just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
    and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
    his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

    "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
    to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

    This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
    satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi*tin' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
    "It's Life Jim" But Not As We Know It!

    "We come in peace" shoot to kill.

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    A blonde woman goes to the doctor with both her ears burnt. She tells the doctor that her right ear was burnt because the phone rang while she was ironing clothes and she accidentally picked up the hot iron and put it against her ear to answer it.

    "My goodness" the doctor exclaims. "And the other ear ma'am?" he asks concerned.

    To which the blonde answers: "The bastard called a second time."
    Last edited by AdrianR; 18-02-17 at 03:41 AM.
    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    Tha Magic Mirror..

    In an amusment park there is this Magic Mirror ,
    You stand in front of it , and if you tell a lie you disappear.

    One sheila walks up to it , says - I think that i'm the best looking bird around, and poof , she disappears ...

    2nd sheila goes up to it and says, I think my arse is slim , poof
    she disappears

    A Blonde walks up to it and says , I think..

    poof she disappears ..

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    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

    Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,

    "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

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    Theres a guy walking down the street, he feels like hell. he eventually collapses and passes out.

    when he wakes, he's in a hospital room all by himself, and he's bewildered because he doesn't have a clue how long he's been there or whats wrong with him.

    then the phone by his bed rings, turns out its a doctor.

    "jeez doc, whats wrong with me, why am I here?"

    "well" doc says "you've got GASH."

    guy says "GASH? what the hell's that?"

    "well" doc says "it's a combination of Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes. We're immediately starting you on a strict diet of pizza and pancakes."

    guy says "pizza and pancakes. will that cure me?"

    doc says "no...that's all we can fit under the door."

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    A guy goes into a confession booth, says "forgive me father for i have sinned". he said "what did you do my son?" says he "i used some awful foul language on the golf course."

    "continue" says the priest.

    "well, i hit the ball of the tee on the 1st hole...i hit it as hard,as straight and as true as i've ever hit a drive in my life, but it hit a power line and dropped 50 yards in front of me"

    priest says "is that when you swore, my son?'

    guy says "no father...i was walking up to make my 2nd shot when a squirell grabbed my ball and headed back into the trees with it"

    that's when you used the foul language?"

    "no father....an eagle grabbed the squirrel...with the ball...and flew off way over the trees with it."

    "is that when you used the profanity?"

    "no father....the squirrel dropped the ball...the ball hit a rock, bounced off a tree, and rolled 10" from the hole."


    preacher says "you missed the f*kking putt, didn't you!"

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  • #5632
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    The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...

    I've never pointed a gun at anyone before.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Only a farm kid would see it this way!



    When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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    Girl walks into a pet shop , say's - mister you got any Wabbits for sale?

    Petshop owner Say's ,What kind miss , Fluffy , White , Brown or ??

    Tha lil' girl say's ,

    I don't think me Python gives a F**k ...

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    I'm so sad. I recently lost my Chinese friend, So Yung.
    Last edited by AdrianR; 19-02-17 at 07:32 PM.
    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    I was walking around in Chinatown and saw a restaurant with a peculiar name. It said Björn Olaffsen's Chinese Fast Foods.

    I thought "Huh?" and so I just had to go and see this Chinese guy who has this name. I enter and sure enough, I see the owner, walking around.

    I walk up to him and ask him, "Are you Björn Olaffsen, the owner?"

    He says "Yes, is me, dat my name."

    So, curiosity taking over in me, I blurt out "Sorry sir, but how on earth did you end up with that name?"

    He says "It wery simple. When I come to dis country, I stand in line at Documentation Centre. In fwont of me stand dis huge blonde man from Norway. De lady ass him 'Wot your name?' He say 'Björn Olaffsen'. Den de lady get to me and she say 'wot your name'?"

    "So I say 'Sem Ting'."
    Last edited by AdrianR; 19-02-17 at 07:33 PM.
    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    Son: "Dad, what does 'gay' mean?"

    Dad: "It means 'to be happy' son."

    Son: "Are you gay?"

    Dad: "No son, I have a wife."
    "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

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    I was feeling a little uneasy about something that I couldn't quite work out, so I went to a psychic. She told me to be careful because all the signs were there that someone was going to swindle me out of some money....

    Phew! Best 100 bucks I EVER spent....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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