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Thread: The Joke thread

  1. #5641
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    A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

    The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

    The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

    Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

    "Our nanny is a certified expert in Paediatric care, Welfare and Diet."

    The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

    "It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #5642
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    I was at in job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to sell me this"

    So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

    Eventually he called my mobile and said "Bring it back here right now"

    I said " $200.00 and it's yours"
    In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
    The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

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  • #5644
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    Last night some bastard broke into my house. I think he was a hungry hacker...

    He took a few bytes from my Apple.
    Live your dreams, or you'll just end up living someone else's.

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  • #5645
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    A lady married and had 13 children. Then her husband died.

    She married again and had 7 more children, and this husband also died.

    She married a third time and had 5 more children, after a long life she finally died after having 25 children.

    Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.

    He thanked the lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord they are finally together".

    One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?

    The friend replied, "I think he means her legs".

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    Live your dreams, or you'll just end up living someone else's.

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  • #5647
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    Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
    "Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
    "I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
    When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
    The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
    "Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
    "I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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  • #5648
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    A guy sees a lady with big tits.

    He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"

    She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man buries his face in her breasts.

    After about 10 minutes she asks, "Well? Aren't you gonna bite them?"

    He replies, "Naaah, it's too expensive."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Wife Tries Out Wearing A Burka in Saskatchewan!

    The wife of a couple in Regina decided to try wearing a burka for a week or so, just to see what the public reaction would be like.

    On the very first morning, she was sworn at, kicked in the arse-end and received numerous death threats.

    Heaven knows what might have happened if she left the house!

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  • #5650
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    A husband and wife were busy playing a round of golf, when the wife suddenly asks him: "If I die, would you marry again?"

    The husband answers "No, sweetheart, I wouldn't."

    "Sure you would." she says. "OK, I would." he answers.

    She asks "Would you sleep together in our bed?"

    He says "Well, yeah, I guess so."

    She asks "How about my golf clubs, would you let her play with them?"

    He says "No, she's left-handed."
    Live your dreams, or you'll just end up living someone else's.

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  • #5651
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    A Sheila , desperate to cross a river .
    sees a Blonde Chick on tha other side of river.

    So yells out , - hey , how do i get ta tha other side ???

    Tha blonde , yells back ,

    Your'e on tha otherside ...
    The older i get , the more i used to know ..

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  • #5652
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    I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

    I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through"

    A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"?

    I said "No, that's my f*cking pizza"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #5653
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    Default Confucius

    Confucius says:

    - Man who argue with wife during day, will get no piece at night.

    - Man who wants beautiful nurse must be patient.

    - Man who sticks his tool into exhaust pipe has hot rod.

    - Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

    - It take many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
    Last edited by AdrianR; 23-02-17 at 12:40 AM.
    Live your dreams, or you'll just end up living someone else's.

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  • #5654
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    Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

    Father: Really, what?

    Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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  • #5656
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    New Zealand agricultural scientists have announced that, after years of painstaking research, they've discovered two important additional uses for sheep.


    Meat & wool.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    New Zealand agricultural scientists have announced that, after years of painstaking research, they've discovered two important additional uses for sheep.


    Meat & wool.
    -------

    Edit , didn't see [ additional uses ] first time 'round ... hahaha ,
    Last edited by manfromironbark; 23-02-17 at 05:47 PM.
    The older i get , the more i used to know ..

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  • #5658
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    shagged this double amputee once - no legs

    took her to the movies

    I was pushing her home in the wheelchair and she asked if I wanted to do it

    of course I was up for it - she said there is a fence near home that she can hook her arms around and be at the right height

    sounded ok - so I lifted her up there , held up her skirt and gave her a pounding

    after I put her back in the chair and took her home

    her mum said , " you seem like a nice boy , you should take her out more often "

    I asked her " why ? "

    she said " usually the other boys leave her hanging on the fence "

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    I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool.

    Some Jewish guy approached me and said, “The ’70s called… They want their shirt back!”

    I said, “Yeah? The ’40s called… Your shower’s ready.”
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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