The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman.
He climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No,.....it's burning my arse!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
My girlfriend stepped out of the shower this morning with a seductive smile on her face. She pressed her naked firm body against me and purred into my ear "I just shaved my pussy, you know what that means big boy..."
To which I answered "Yeah, the f*cking drain is probably clogged again."
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
I came home to find my wife looking after the black couple next door's two month old baby.
"That's f*cking disgusting." I muttered.
"Barry!!" Scolded the wife. "How dare you use that sort of tone. He's not disgusting, he's beautiful you racist."
"Wha...!? There's not a racist bone in my body, love, but that IS disgusting." I said "He's only about eight weeks old, and those parents of his have already put stupid little Ozzy Osborne sunglasses on him."
"They're his f*cking nostrils, Barry."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I operate on the FAST principle.....
F - FACE: Has it fallen on one side?
A - ARMS: Can they raise them?
S - SPEECH: Is it slurred?
T - TIME... to get her knickers down. The rohypnol has kicked in.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Apparently there's a third option between burial and cremation.
Actually I threatened that option to my Son In Law on his wedding day, His wife's brothers were not much more subtle either. FWIW he is a good SIL.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Learned 2 things today...
I've just found out that I have 2 weeks to live.
The wife is going away for 2 weeks.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Only in the United States?
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the freeway just outside Melbourne early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".
I came home steaming drunk at 3am in the morning.
The wife sat up and pointed at the clock and yelled, "What f*cking time do you call this?"
So I sighed and had to explain to her AGAIN about the big hand and the little hand.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
At the end of the tax year, the A.T.O. sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Last edited by irritant; 26-04-17 at 06:01 PM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
gulliver (28-04-17)
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man......air passengers, in this case.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Last edited by cmangle; 25-04-17 at 07:33 PM.
I just finalised my divorce, but as usual, there are always 2 sides to every story.
And my ex-wife is a bitch in both of them.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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