Jokes on the gun haters
“If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
“If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
“The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
“A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
“A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)
“Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work.)
“The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the...?)
“The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
“The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
“Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity!)
“Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
“The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.....)
“Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
“Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
“A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out. )
“An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
“Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that, too.)
“Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
“Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??, Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Simple method to turn an ordinary sofa into a sofa bed....
Step 1: Forget your wifes birthday.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!'
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
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London terror attacker Khalid Masood's wife has condemned his actions.
She wished a speedy recovery to all those injured but said it wouldn't affect her schoolwork.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
When you absolutely, positively have to get to school on time!
Austech Nomad Camper
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
Austech TVRO at home . . . (305m diameter)
Last edited by cmangle; 30-03-17 at 01:48 AM.
"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down to write a list of each others faults?" I said to the wife.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.
"I've finished, " I replied.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Godzilla (30-03-17)
I was out for my evening walk the other night and saw two guys wearing identical clothes.
I asked if they were gay and the bastards arrested me.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Yesterday I came home and my wife was standing in the living room with packed suitcases, seemingly ready to go somewhere.
So, I asked her: "Where the hell are you going?" And she answered "I'm going to Las Vegas. There I can earn $400 for one blowjob, so I figured I'd like to earn money for what I'm forced to do for free to you."
I pondered for a moment, then ran upstairs and packed a suitcase of my own. "Now, where the hell are you going?" she asked surprised. "I'm coming with you." I said.
"Why?" she asked impatiently. "Because I'd love to see how you're gonna survive on $800 a year" I said.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.
Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts.
The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast.
Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.
First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.
Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.
Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time -shaking his head in disbelief.
The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused.
"Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap...
you'll find an arsehole."
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…
He wakes up and looks around as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two pretty nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well'
for my age. (I just turned " sixty-ish").
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs? '
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Only in the United States, or Oz too?
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