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Thread: Happy topics as per Andrew's request

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    Default Happy topics as per Andrew's request

    These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    _________________________________________________

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay night clubs.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.



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    Senior Member z80's Avatar
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    Now that's a much nicer post nonoize.

    A disabled joke would have made it complete though

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    Quote Originally Posted by z80 View Post
    Now that's a much nicer post nonoize.

    A disabled joke would have made it complete though
    Not really 'disabled' more disarming depending on gender.

    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

    "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
    "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
    "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
    "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
    "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

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    Senior Member z80's Avatar
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    LOL...good one....

    made me laugh.

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    Heard about the amputee poker player ?

    Threw his hand in when he lost.

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