Suicide attempt.

[BillyGoat]

Hi everyone
It’s been a while since I’ve been active on the board.
Once home brew sat tv finished up I moved on to other things like depression and anxiety.
I stopped doing things I loved to do and drank alcohol to self medicate. I lost friends and family members.
Life became groundhog day.
My life became anti depressants and sleeping. I lost connection with my daughters and my wife of 23 years.
I became a grumpy snappy person who could never see happiness in anything around him.
My wife had had enough of trying to help me and my emotional abuse and called it quits on our marriage. You can understand I was quite disappointed in myself for letting this slip away.

On Friday night I woke up and had a brain snap and took a dozen sleeping tablets to just make things stop.
At that time I forgot about how my family would have had to cope with losing me.
After taking them I sent a goodbye to a friend in the USA and went to sleep. This friend tried to call me but I was drowsy And didn’t answer.

She managed to contact police who came to check on me.
Long story short I woke up in hospital hours later and put into locked ward for two days.
I now realize I was selfish in what I did.
My daughters were upset but my eldest daughter was heart broken and couldn’t understand why I choose this.
Family members who I haven’t been close with for years were there hours later for support.
It’s hard to explain to them why I choose to try and take my life. But after so many years of just surviving each day and being told to just smile had got to me. Nothing I said to people would come out the right way and often I would upset others unintentionally including my wife. I felt there was nothing else to do and that I would be leaving family better off without me.

I guess what I am trying to say is to put my story out there and let others know this is not a condition I want to have and that it takes a lot out of a person each day,hour sometimes minutes. And just telling them to snap out of it doesn’t work.

I’m glad I’m here today but I know it’s going to be hard both with the depression and the divorce in the coming future. I am hopeful I will survive this.

Thank you for reading this post.
BillyGoat.

[gulliver]

I am glad you are still here or better,back again.
I can understand you.
Good luck.You will make it.

[webtech]

Try and hang in - I lost both my brothers to suicide - the second 2 years ago and it's on my mind every day - try and think of the grieve and sadness your children would go through, although I know that depression does not discriminate and confuses your thought process - there are a number of places to call if you are not ok

[lsemmens]

Thanks for being honest, BillyGoat. Too many people are not honest about how they feel and, suddenly "snap", and try to end it all. The best we can do is say we are here for you.

Don't, if the doc has prescribed anti-depressants, don't do what I did and think "I'm ok, don't need these any more". I was blessed in that a good friend said to me "Leigh, you look like you want to kill everyone, take your meds". I wasn't listening to my wife who had said almost the same thing. It did sink in, because I knew where she had been, and that she had lost a daughter in much the same way as you tried.

Some months later, the doc and I were adjusting dosages to alleviate some of the side effects (restless leg and weight gain) and I woke one morning and said "I'm back!" It was the best I'd felt since the accident that started all this. That is where I've been ever since.

I'm still brain damaged and have hearing loss, but, I'm blessed that I am still here, and able to function.

[Tiny]

Reaching out & talking about it is the best thing.
I had an anxiety attack last year, my Doc said "I don't want to medicate this out of you", try Beyond Blue.
Good lot of support at Beyond Blue, just understanding what I was feeling was enough & snapped me out of it real quick.

[LeroyPatrol]

Mate I thought wow I've not seen a post from you in a long time and I'm just blown away to read this. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad that you felt you got to that point but really really happy that your friend, and I reiterate friend, did a wonderful thing and reached out to the authorities who ultimately saved your life.
We used to chat years ago and we never had that beer at the Frankston Hotel where we were going to keep an eye out for the man who sold those white cards lol.
I'll PM you my phone number and if you need to chat just give me a call. My Mum still lives down Mornington way so we could catch up for a soda water!!!
Takes a lot to come out and post what you've posted, even if it's on a forum where you're not face to face. You still do have friends and more importantly family, and family that loves you. I'm sending that PM now.

Leroy

[lsemmens]

Good on you Leroy, I'd also offer the same, however, I am nowhere near BillyGoat.

[george65]

About 4 years ago after I lost my son, I came to visit my father for the first time since my son passed. I was helping him in his business and served a woman that came in.
She had a sticker on her car of a Flower, a Daisy. I commented on it and she told me it was to commemorate her young daughter she had lost a few years earlier. Her name was Daisy. While I still don't talk about it much, I said to her, I know how you feel. She looked and I told her I had only lost my son a few months before.

We had a long conversation and she said a lot of things to me that gave me a lot of comfort and have been going round in my head ever since.
I have been to several shrinks and given them away as a waste of time. This woman was not in a small way responsible for that. I have been telling people that she was far more helpful to me than than any " Professional" ever came close to. Also for the better part of 4 years I have been saying and kicking myself for nt getting her phone number as I have wished like hell I could talk to her again.

Up here again taking care of Dad after a hospital Visit and someone rang on Saturday wanting something. Had a Docs appointment for day and told them, be out of here in 40 Min no matter what, come today or Monday. 10 Min later a car came speeding in. Gave the woman the part and started a polite conversation. She said something about where she lived and I looked at her car and asked how long she had it? Well beyond 4 years. I walked over to it and around the other side we were standing on and looked and there it was the Daisy.

I looked at her and said I have been thinking about what you said to me for 4 years. I pointed to the little sticker and said " Daisy". She was visibly shocked and said " Oh my god! and we both got very teary. She said I knew who you were soon as I came in here. I told her I had re countered our conversation virtually ever day and told her how much what she had said to me I had though about so many times and how much comfort our conversation had given me. She was again a bit emotional and said I remember it too and have told friends about that but I didn't think you would remember. I said I'll never forget!

I told her I didn't recognize her but what she said about where she lived then the car made me wonder. I said I was going to ask if she had a sticker of a daisy on her car but that may have sounded weird which was why I walked round to have a look. She said I cant' believe you remembered and it meant so much. I said you have no ideal.
I said, I have been kicking myself for 4 years for not asking this last time ad I hope it doesn't sound weird but could I get your phone number? I would love to sit down and have another talk with you sometime. She Said I'd love that too. We had a short conversation and both got pretty emotional again. Once again she said a few things that brought things into perspective and made a LOT of sense. Nothing any " Qualified" person has said. I pointed that out and she said the same and we both agreed no amount of training can go near the insight of personal experience, horrific as it is.

Dad wandered up to give me the hurry up so we agreed to meet up sometime soon and she left. Dad asked what took so long to give her the part and I told him who she was. He said I remember, that was when you nearly flogged that guy I was talking when you came over and he asked if you were going to hook up with her later and you told him to get out before you beat the snot out of him. I said that's the one! Dad said I never liked that guy anyway.
Surprised he remember that, not being well he's having trouble remembering what I told him 2 hours ago.

I rang my wife that night and I asked if she remembered me talking about the woman I met whom had lost her daughter? She said the one you wished you got her phone number? I said that's the one, she came back in and we both remembered and I got it. I heard my wifes get emotional. She said you have been thinking of her and what she said for so long. I said yep.

I'm looking forward, and not, to sitting down to a coffee or lunch with her again next time I'm back here. It was such a random chance being here again when she was at the same time. She certainly helped me and seems she found some comfort in what I said too.

Moral of this long winded story is don't dismiss talking to other people. She is not the only person I have found help and comfort in their words. I'm in no way against professionals, don't know how they do what they do in their line of work but the fact is, I can't remember a thing any of them have told me but I can see clear as day in my mind several other people and the things they have told me and found a lot of the small comfort I have got in their words.


On Suicide, If I had a buck for every time I thought of that I wouldn't be be depressed any more, I'd be rich. Well not happy but certainly the rich part.
I have told people, including medics, The only reason I am still here is because of my wife and daughter. I'm completely Fked 10 times over as many regular readers of this forum will readily attest to but the only thing I can see in life is being around to look after my wife and daughter and protect them in whatever way I can. I'm sure I'm a hell of a burden to them but I can't let them down.

Somehow, the loss of my son still outweighs the fact I have my daughter and my wife and If I thought for a second offing myself would get me to see and talk to my son again, I'd be long gone. I don't know what that says about me and how I am with my wife and daughter, love them both dearly but If I thought I could talk to and hug my boy again and tell him how much I love and miss him.......
Having lost all faith well and truly now, I know I'll never see or be able to speak to my boy again even though it's something that I have indescribable pain dreaming of and waking up in tears after thinking the nightmare wasn't real.


Clearly you have lots of support and people that love you. I'll say to you what I tell my father and I hope you understand, Don't make yourself a bigger pain in the arse than what you are trying to avoid by telling people nothing and keeping things to yourself.
Actually, I do remember one thing a shrink told me, it's hard to love and value others when you don't value yourself to start with.
It's VERY hard to motivate yourself or think you are worthwhile or doing anything is but you HAVE to keep going. You have a daughter and a responsibility to HER. Like me, it's not about you, it's about her. Whether you give a fk about yourself or not, she does and that's all the reason you need to stay around. It's all that's been keeping me around that's for sure.

I do wish you all the best Billy. If you ever want to talk by email or if you happen to be in Sydney and would like to talk to someone who has an insight, let me know and we'll catch up and have a chat. Convo with me will soon make you realise how good you got it without even knowing! :0)

[LeroyPatrol]

George, I do find your posts very long winded sometimes, actually most of the time lol but I read this one word for word. Keep going...you're doing a great job.

Leroy

[efab]

mate I know how you feel. However I was lucky in that I never got the end result.

# years ago i had a bad time in that a very good friend died and a couple of other things. This all compounded into deep depression.
I just stopped interacting with everyone and virtually sat in the corner - literally. I didn't speak eat sleep very much, then started drinking.

I have no idea to this day to what made me snap out and seek help, all I know is my wife and kids saw hope in me. I got medical help.
I saw a psychologist, and my GP sent me to a fantastic psychiatrist who helped. The drugs helped but so did the final diagnosis.

I suffered from PTSD, and it was a childhood issue which came back to haunt me. Getting over that has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
I started to do small amounts of meditation in combination with mindfulnes. I has been a great tool for me which I still use often.
No I'll never be a great at it and no I don't do it everyday. This may not be everyones cup of tea but for me it works.

It's good to hear that you have made the first steps and understanding why and how it happened is not important. What is important is to understand that it did happen, it is a part of your life.
Aknowledge that it happened and is now the past. If youu have people around that can help use them but let them understand you have to do things slowly.

I don't know where you live but being in the country like me makes it slightly harder in that the services aren't readily available and taking backwards steps is part of the recovery.I had EMDR treatment which is a form of pulse treatment to ressemble REM sleep.That got me over the PTSD to the point that I now remember it but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I am certain that you will make it, and with the friends you have evn on here we can all look after each other, even from far away. An email, a phone call all help, just someone to listen and not judge.
I hope you find this person or persons to help lighten your load.
Best wishes
Eddie

[RogerTheDoger]

Glad to hear you came through this Billy, I won't add OK because I guess you still have stuff to work through, but keep at it. If you need to talk with those who can listen and not judge, call Lifeline 131114. I found them to be a great help.

[BillyGoat]

Hi guys,
Thanks for the encouragement to kept going and to not to be afraid to ask for help.
I tried many methods to help snap me out of it but nothing worked.
I am going to put more effort into the talking therapy. Exercise and just getting fresh air.
Join some clubs and get out and about.
Thanks for the phone numbers. I will call you.

Many thanks once again.
BillyGoat.

[mtv]

Pleased to hear you are still with us, mate.

It's also very brave of you to make such a public statement.

I would however encourage you to discuss your feelings further with (or other similar organisations) as others have also mentioned.

It's good to see mental health being recognised these days for what it is... an illness and there is more help available than ever before.

I've lost some people very close to me to suicide and those circumstances still haunt me today.

All the best, mate.

[Mr 672A]

Hi guys,
Thanks for the encouragement to kept going and to not to be afraid to ask for help.
I tried many methods to help snap me out of it but nothing worked.
I am going to put more effort into the talking therapy. Exercise and just getting fresh air.
Join some clubs and get out and about.
Thanks for the phone numbers. I will call you.

Many thanks once again.
BillyGoat.

A suspect lot on this forum suffer with depression, I'm one and take med for it. The worst thing to do is to stay by yourself all day, I would suggest to go out even to a Shopping center and just walk around. You would be surprise How many OLD people that do this and because I'm Nearly 70 ( Had Heart Attack and 4 Strokes, 3 were TIA's and some time I hate walking )when I got shopping my wife and my older kid do all the shopping (you dont need to spend $$$) and I sit there for hours in leather lounge with all the old farts and have no trouble talking to people my Age. A lot of older folks do this on Very Hot days.
Anyhow look after yourself and keep posting because this forum is the main forum as the satellite section is dead.
By the way, A lot of people on this Forum have changed there display Name lately (2019) but I change mine (was "Getting Older") after the Forum Crashed ion 2008 then had a break from all internet because of depression and Sickness (Heart attack) and my Doctor and my Shrink told me to do this).

[ol' boy]

Thank you for reading this post.
BillyGoat.

I bet you would be amazed how many on this board have drawn parallels with everything you've said mate
I think you have just described what a lot of men go through in a very accurate step by step way.

I'll add, i found Beyond Blue a load of shit (was 15 years ago)....
And now that Mental Health is all money driven, every business and thier dog is in the free Government hand out for the first Consultation
(That was never an option when i went looking for help)

I actually could not agree with George more on the this matter

I'm sure it works for some, but at the end of the day, doesn't matter how many chats you have, walks in the fresh air or exercise you do, the underlying problem is still there....
And then once you've finally got passed it (time eventually), you are generally left to rebuild the mess you created while you weren't your best self.
It's a shit situation that very few understand and opting out does seem like the only way to make it stop at times....

Personally, i think you're a brave man.....
Takes a lot of guts to do that and even more to talk about it.

There is a very good reason the wind turbine industry offers so called "anonymous" free mental health counselling
Anonymous my ass.... It is reported straight back to your employer, so you can be removed from site
Last thing they want is a bunch of work place suicides off the top of turbines, lost days and WorkSafe all over thier backs.
But they will sell it to you like they really care

Good on you Billy Goat
Keep busy man.... You have no time to be depressed, if you have no time
That is my garden variety advise

BTW, i'm glad you're here also

[george65]

And i back up what ol boy says about walks and exercise not removing the problem. I would say they ARE helpful but when you come home at night and are sitting there on your own in the quiet time or staring at the ceiling at night in bed, thats when it fks you.

I did find going to the gym helpful, i hated it but i think it did do me an amount of good. Again , dont change circumstances but it does put you in a better headspacd to add ome degree to deal with things.

The other hand i have very mixed feelings about is anti depressants. Many have told me they helped them as lot, some i had nearly killed me literally. My wife said the last lot calmed me down but i didnt feel any better. Docs say they are not happy pills, seems to me thats exactly what i need.

I went off them but recently started again because of my anxiety gerring a bit much and they seem to have helped a little. That said, took off in a hurry last week and forgot them and even though i have had some real things to worry about, been fine. Feeling a little uptight now but might be homesick as well.