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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

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    Default The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

    A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

    The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

    He never heard the shot....

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    Default

    A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
    up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
    Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the
    Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

    The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

    "I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

    "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

    "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

    "Why, actually, yes, I do."

    "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

    The light is just about to turn green and the guy in
    the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in
    back there?"

    The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

    "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan

    replies.

    The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
    off.

    Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be
    one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing
    shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
    his car.

    About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
    picks up his car and drives all over town looking for

    the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally,

    he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his

    Rolls up next to it.

    The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and
    he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of

    his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
    of the Volkswagen.

    The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a
    crack and peeks out.

    The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

    "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan,
    "What's up?"

    "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my
    Rolls."

    "The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER
    TO TELL ME THAT???

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    Default Chinese Wedding Night

    Probably an old joke now, but first time I've heard it

    CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
    'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'

    'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

    'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?'

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    Default

    A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida.

    She looked up, and noticed that a man about her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and begun reading a book.

    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
    "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

    "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

    "First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

    "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it has been very lonely," she countered.

    "Do you live around here?" she asked.

    "Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and again resumed reading.

    Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

    With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

    When the cloud of sand began to settle, the widow gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

    The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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    Default Doctor

    A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,
    "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic.

    I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
    "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
    The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
    Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
    "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
    "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
    "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
    "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
    "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters
    Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the
    table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven'tseen a man!'"
    "Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
    "I put drops in her eyes!"

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    Default The Amish Farmer

    An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his
    pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die
    kuhen haben dahin gesheissen," which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

    The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

    The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

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    Default How was I born

    A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

    The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
    out anyway!
    Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
    Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
    We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
    download from my hard drive.
    As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
    had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
    months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

    "You got Male!"

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    Default Life Under Labour

    Union Rules & Hookers ---- Life Under Labour
    A dedicated AWU union worker was attending a convention in Sydney and decided to check out the local brothels When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
    'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
    'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
    'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered
    Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.
    We observe all union rules.'
    The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
    'That's more like it!' the union man said.
    He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
    'I'd like her,' he said.
    'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

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    Default The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances
    When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
    After wrecking your boss's car.
    When she is using her teeth.

    Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

    Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

    If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

    Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    Mates don't let mates wear Speedos… ever. Issue closed.

    If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    Another set and we can hit the showers!

    Never talk to a man in a dunny unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green or sky blue.

    The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics, ever.

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls… but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:



    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

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    Default Possibly The Best Blonde Joke Ever !!!

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from drug stores on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

    "But I always buy it at drug stores," says the Blonde.

    "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist...

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it.." She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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    Default EU's new official language

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
    replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

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    Default Why parents drink

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
    child's whisper. " Hello ? "

    "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

    " Yes ," whispered the small
    voice.
    May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, " No ."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

    "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    " No, he's busy
    ", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "
    A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

    "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
    Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
    asked, "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

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    Default Golf

    A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

    "NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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    Default Little Johnny

    A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.



    "Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

    Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the shops. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.



    Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

    When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poo is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

    "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

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    Default The Joy Of Ageing

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,

    "Hardly worth going home, is it?
    _________________________________


    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
    _______________________________


    The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
    __________________________________________________ ________


    I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
    _______________________________


    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
    _______________________________


    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Coles. "Coles?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Coles?"

    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
    __________________________________________________ __________


    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
    memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    _______________________________


    Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
    _______________________________


    It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
    ______________________________


    These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
    ______________________________


    Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
    ________________________________


    THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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    Default Fancy Dress

    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

    The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
    alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
    was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
    good time to be spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
    for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
    go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
    thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
    when she was! not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
    cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
    could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
    his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
    far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
    and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
    intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped

    away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading
    when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

    "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
    there."
    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
    and played poker all evening."

    "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
    night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

    To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,
    apparently he had the time of his life."

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    Default What is a 710?

    What is a 710A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
    came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

    We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
    seven-hundred-ten?"

    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
    have lost it and need a new one.."

    She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece
    had always been there.

    The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
    what the piece looked like.

    She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
    over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on
    this car?"

    She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

    If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here


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    Default The Excuse

    The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!


    "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"


    The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"


    "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"


    The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.


    She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.


    Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.


    While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don’t have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."



    The husband continues his story . . . . .



    "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.



    When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:





    "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

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    Default Australian Citizenship Test

    1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?

    2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

    3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

    4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

    5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

    6. Complete the following sentences:
    a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
    b) You're going home in the back of a ?
    c) Fair crack of the ?

    7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

    8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

    9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

    10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

    11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

    12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

    13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

    14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

    15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

    16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

    17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

    18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?

    19. Who would you like to crack on to?

    20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

    21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

    22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

    23. How far would you wear your mockies?
    Inside only?
    Back yard only?
    To the letter box?
    To the milk bar for a packed of winni blues?
    To the movies?
    To shoppo? (large shopping centre)
    To the pub?

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    Default Vaseline

    A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a

    redhead with three small children running around at her feet.



    He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used

    the product?"



    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."



    "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"



    "We use it for sex."



    The researcher was a little taken aback.



    He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a

    child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that

    most people do use it for sex.



    I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can

    you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"



    The redhead said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

    My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

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