I was driving thru the country and saw a roadhouse with a sign out the front.
Handjobs $50
Toasted ham Sandwiches $5
I went inside and saw this drop dead gorgeous blonde and said "Are you the lady who gives handjobs"
She replied "Yes, Yes I am"
I said "ok wash your hands and get me 2 toasted sandwiches pls"
Superman was bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the old in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman.
So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?"
The invisible man says, "I dunno but f*ck my arse is sore!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Should a Child Witness Childbirth? (Here's your answer.)
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl,
to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775',
he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F . .. k the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991..'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, We're screwed!'
Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011.'
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic
stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in
force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains
of anyone. They spotted the farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if
nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the
Prime Minister of Australia"?
"Yep.."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "She kept saying she wasn't ...
But you know what a lying bitch she is ... "
Uploaded with
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
-Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
-Dear Twilight fans, Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic
-Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic
-Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada
-Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying. Sincerely, Google
-Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985
-Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP
-Dear Skin-Coloured Band Aids, Please make one for every skin colour. Sincerely, Black people
-Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin
-Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
-Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol
-Dear World of Warcraft, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
-Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman
-Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans
-Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God
-Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
-Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans
-Dear iPhone, Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User
-Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
-Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephants
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
gulliver (21-09-11)
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep.. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
*******************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yes, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack & our driver ran away.
************************************************** *******
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
************************************************** *******
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
************************************************** *******
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Godzilla (23-09-11)
OK, so now the school holidays have started, all the idiot drivers have more time to waste and have clearly decided to piss me off! So now its time to publish my s*it list relating to P-platers, suburban tractor drivers and other general traffic related issues.
Disclaimer! This list is in no particular order however all offenders fall into the ‘Numpty’ category. I reserve the right to add articles, issues and individuals to this list on a whim.
“I am the Stig” decals. You are not the Stig and the fact you had to put this onto your window to try and convince other Numpty’s otherwise proves you are nothing more than a tool.
Crooked license plates. You lazy fools. Take two minutes away from the television and go straighten your plates. Few simple items shout “I don’t care about my appearance or respect my vehicle” than this.
Red light runners. How important you must be to need to get to the next intersection 90 seconds ahead of me. Consider the kids on bikes or the granny on the footpath stepping out as you rush to do your impressive job.
Dirty windscreens. I am not referring to the outside here when it can be covered in road film in just a few miles of wet weather driving but inside the cabin. Ever wondered why you can’t see ahead through sun glare? It’s because you are a grot and can’t be bothered cleaning one of the most important safety devices in your car. Think about it.
Wide turners. Why do you need to move all the way to the centre line to make a turn to a near-side road or driveway? Your economobile is not a semi truck and trailer!
School Zone Ignorant’s. Pay attention people. You may not have kids yet but when you do you will be very aware of the gits speeding through school zones. Sit on the kerbside when cars are coming by at 60. That will give you an idea of what it is like for small kids. Slow down!
Ungrateful commuters. How hard is it to give a nod of thanks to those who let you through in traffic? A simple raising of the hand is enough. Just like you are reaching for another chocolate bar.
Tailgaters. What is it about the ass end of my car that you find most interesting? Sure as heck isn’t a Stig sticker.
Family/ Frangipani stickers. How inaccurate can they be? You are not stick thin lady and when was the last time you were that close to your husband? As for flower stickers, one or two you could get away with, but right around the window frame? Give me a break, your frangipani is now a weed out of control.
Cigarette Butt Tossers. Says it all really.
P-platers. Congratulations, you now have a letter on your car. This does not make you a genius, a great driver or an owner of the road. Go with the flow of traffic but don’t hold us up or drive like a tool. Your speedo is fairly accurate so there is no need for +/- 30 KPH.
Crooked Parkers. If you don’t park in the centre of your parking spot then the car next to you can’t either, and so on and so on. Wondered why there are dents in your car door? Its because you cant park properly and the person next to you had the shits with your inability. Maybe it was me.
Centreline Riders. There is a whole lane for you to enjoy, why do you ride the white line? That’s where the road debris is that you spit into oncoming traffic. Did you not think of that? Thanks for my windscreen chips.
Your massive car. That gap you are trying to get into really is big enough to get a truck through. The bus behind you and the dozen following cars know it. Learn how big your ass is before you get behind the wheel.
Signaling forever or not at all. Your turn signals probably work just fine so use them! A few seconds warning of your intention, do the job then make sure they turn off. It’s as simple as that. I don’t need to know that you might turn in a mile and a half down the road or that you did two blocks ago. Just enough notice for current intentions is all I need.
Low Riders. Not the cars, the drivers. Mostly you are the aforementioned P-plater but you will also fall into the *ickhead category. Why would you want to sit on the ground and way back so that you can’t reach the steering wheel, your controls or see over the dash? Any wonder your car is a beaten up pile of dung.
Lap Dancers. You know, the ones with the pets sitting unrestrained in the car. Have a crash and see how pretty your furball is when it hits the windscreen or you at speed.
White Van Man. You know what I am talking about. Every country in the world has them. White van man, courier driver and apprentice tradie in the ute – all tarred with the same brush.
Cyclists. You have no road rights!! Oh my god, that’s a whole new blog post!
And lastly for today… go on, pullout in front of me one more time. I am in a leased car!
Last edited by xnavyman; 20-09-11 at 09:31 PM.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Boy Scouts Sixteen Steps To Build A Campfire
Building a campfire is easy… just follow these sixteen steps (in order):
Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
Bandage left thumb.
Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
Bandage left foot.
Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
Light Match.
Light Match.
Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
Apply burn ointment to nose.
When fire is burning, collect more wood.
Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
Relabel can to read "Gasoline."
When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
enf (23-09-11)
A vampire goes into the bar and ask the bartender for a cup of hot water.
The bartender pours him a cup of hot water and ask "I thought vampires only drank blood?"
the vampire takes out a tampon and says "I'm making tea".
Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders.............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized, to his horror, that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Bruce is at the doctor's to get some broken glass removed from his foot from the last barbie he got pissed at.
When he's fixing up the bill at reception he remembers his missus had a test done earlier that week, so he asks for the results to save her a trip there. The receptionist looks at the computer screen and asks for her name.
Sheila, Bruce replies.
Receptionist; there's two Sheilas in here mate, what test did she have done? Haven't got a F***ing clue, Bruce says.
Well, says the receptionist, one Sheila was tested for Alzheimers and the other was tested for HIV, and unfortunately both tested positive, so the news is bad either way.
Jesus F***ing Christ, says Bruce, what am I gonna do now?
The receptionist thinks for a brief moment and says; take her to a really big shopping centre and then leave her there.
See if she finds her own way home. If she does find her way home, then don't shag her!!
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"
The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.
The Judge says," OK".
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
vagina."
The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my Fvckin fingers
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
HEADSTONE in a Mexican cemetery: ``Here rests Pancrazio Juvenales, 1968-1993. He was a good husband, a wonderful father, but a bad electrician.''
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Aldi Doctor
One day, out at the flying field, Kev says to Russell, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Russell replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about It.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Kev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Kev began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Kev hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at
Aldi.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
A guy was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What?... You Mean I’m small and cute?"
He says, "No. I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when Im drunk"
Patient: "Doctor I keep hearing "The green,green grass of home in my head."
Doctor: "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome"
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual"
Sorry guys, I couldn't help myself....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
stuballs (02-10-11)
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