An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie.
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie.
An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.
The blonde sighs happily and says 'TGIF', and is surprised when the man replies 'SHIT'.
The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly,
so she repeats it once again: 'TGIF!' and once again the man replies 'S H I T'.
Finally, the blonde explains 'Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday!'
Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says 'S H I T = Sorry honey, it's Thursday.
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
Option A: NICE TITS !!
Option B: How ya gonna do the dishes?
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
intelliGEORGE (22-10-11)
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Guy goes to the doctor.
Guy "Doc, you gotta help me!"
Doc " Whats the problem?"
Guy "Well, every morning when I wake up I screw my wife. Then I car pool to work with the neighbours wife and on the way to work she blows me. Then during the morning I screw one of the office chicks in the photocopy room and after that I meet the bosses wife at lunch and screw her. In the afternoon its another office chick and then when I get home I find the cleaner on all fours polishing the floor so I screw her from behind, and before I go to sleep I screw my wife again."
Doc "Jesus! So whats your problem?"
Guy " My cock hurts when I wank!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Getting Into Trouble
A wife takes her husband to a lap dance club as a present for his birthday.
Doorman at the club "Gdday Jim, hows tricks?"
Wife angrily "How come he knows you?"
Husband "Ummm...Ahhh..he's on the footy team."
Inside, the barman says "Hi Jim, the usual?"
Increasingly angry, the wife is about to explode. The Husband says "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."
Then a lap dancer walks up "Hi Jim....the Craven Special again?"
The wife decides that enough is enough and furiously drags him out of the club. She tosses him into a taxi. The taxi driver says "Hey Jimmy boy! Wow, you sure picked an ugly one this time!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....
But the ####ing maniac stays on.
Warning Don't read if easily offended.
I've just found out the little African boy I sponsor died in July.
I am totally devastated.
I could have canceled the Direct Debit f##king months ago.
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F**king big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Winter Driving Tip
Driving in the snow is like eating pussy……………
If you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!
Be careful this winter!
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Speaking of cunning linguistics:
Women have pubes so men can floss after eating.
xnavyman (29-10-11)
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Customer: Give me three packets of condoms, please.
CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Customer: Nah she ain't that ugly
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Young bloke walks in to a new-age pharmacy.
There's a feminist working behind the counter.
"Can I have a dozen condoms please Miss?" he asks.
"Don't you MISS me!" she snarls.
"OK, make it 13 then".......
Three hookers are having a drink at a bar after a long day.
First one says "I've done 5 tricks today - I feel like a a bottle of wine".
Second one says "That's nothing - I've done 15 tricks today - I feel like a bottle of whisky".
Third one says "I've done 150 tricks today and I feel like a bottle of clag".
You know a woman has had a good night out when she comes home, takes off her knickers, throws them in the air....and they stick to the ceiling.
gulliver (30-10-11)
Three blokes are having a conversation about what great lovers they are - an American, a Frenchman and and Aussie.
The yank says that he's so good in bed, that his partners often raise their legs in the air when they orgasm.
The frog says that he's so good in the sack that when his partners orgasm they often rise up off the bed as if levitating!
The aussie says that after he's had a root, he wipes his dick on the curtains and his partners hit the friggin roof!
gulliver (30-10-11)
Trick or Treat?
* Bill Paxton is the only actor to be killed by Alien, a Terminator, and the Predator.
Fernbay (06-11-11)
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