The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[MrElectricity]

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

[MrRadio]

One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber reples: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a Policeman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?

Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Cop....






....two dozen other Policemen waiting for free haircuts!

But seriously folks, sadly I have witnessed this phenomenon first hand and it aint no joke.

[mango]

A warm thought.
>>
>> This letter was sent to the Lions bay school principal's
>> office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
>> An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and
>> was writing to say thank you.
>>
>> This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone
>> you know who might need a lift today.
>>
>> Dear Lions Bay School.
>>
>> God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
>> Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
>> West end home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am
>> all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown
>> to a forgotten old Lady. My room mate is 95 and has always had her
>> own radio but before I received one, she would never
>> let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
>>
>> The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke
>> into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked
>> me if she could listen to mine, and I told her to "piss off".
>>
>> Thank you for that
>> opportunity,
>>
>>
>> Sincerely,
>>
>>
>> Edna.

[tagg]

try this (pinched from another site)

Pick the month you were born.

1----i shot
2----i ate
3----i smacked
4----i sang to
5----i fell in love with
6----i murdered
7----i gave my number to
8----i love with
9----i choked on
10---i knocked out
11---i humped
12---i gave a lap dance to



-----------------------------------------------------------------



Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------A homeless guy
2-------a gangster
3-------a banana
4-------a fork
5-------a cheerleader
6-------your mom
7-------my brother
8-------an ipod
9-------my best friends boyfriend
10-------a goat
11-------my dog
12-------my dad
13-------the computer
14-------my science teacher
15-------my neighbor
16-------myself
17-------a blowup sheep
18-------a llama
19-------a football player
20-------a stuffed animal
21-------a permenant marker
22-------a policeman
23-------a ninja
24-------a baseball bat
25-------my pshyciatrist
26-------my brother
27-------my sister
28-------a pickle
29-------a dvd player
30-------a paperclip
31-------my cell phone


-----------------------------------------------------------------


Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White------Because i was high.
Black-------Because I was drunk.
Pink--------Because im a mad.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because i cant control myself.
Green------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because Im fool.
Gray--------Because my mind goes to hell.
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange----Because i hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.
none------because im smart and i do what i want

NOW READ OUT THE RESULT AND POST IT....

[xnavyman]

I choked on an ipod because my mind goes to hell.

[xnavyman]

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror..
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God...If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to
you,' She prayed...

And just like that...her ears fell off...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially rejected.

One of the questions we asked on the application was:'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer!

[fandtm666]

[xnavyman]

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

[flicker]

did you hear about the builders wife getting the petroleum jelly and putty mixed up ?


All his windows fell out.

[intelliGEORGE]

whats blue and looks like a bucket?

a blue bucket!

[intelliGEORGE]

Whats red and hangs from a tree?

A monkeys miscarriage!

[Godzilla]

How many drinks..no, joints have you had tonight George?

[intelliGEORGE]

How many drinks..no, joints have you had tonight George?

You mean bottles of red wine?

[cmangle]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

II - PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Twoshots]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...
- You hang in there sunshine!

[Twoshots]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

[osci]

Two blondes walk into a bar!!..............

[cmangle]

hxxp://uncutvideo.aol.com/videos/dc642a450861981931451a94ecb1264a

[xnavyman]

THE STORK_*

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months
later the stork usually brings them a little baby, from its nest high up
in the trees.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you're getting
your birds mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag on the beach!!!


Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department in
Wasilla , Alaska .



One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest; one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don 't get it -- why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it
up again?'



The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,

'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in
sick. She has to go to some debate thing.'

[xnavyman]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.
tee-shirt.

'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious
T-shirt. I thought it meant............ Tits Go In Front.'